A stepmom is very brave. She graciously accepts the enormous challenge of helping to parent someone else's children. The challenge often brings surprises and complications, and it becomes even harder when she finds that her husband is unwilling to be a parent himself. She feels frustrated and powerless, but she does have some choices.

When a parent refuses to parent his children, the stress on the marriage is almost tangible. Dealing with an unruly child who knows that he can get away with anything can make your homelife impossible, even if he only visits. The child who knows that his dad won't discipline him is unlikely to accept any discipline from his stepmom, as well. He believes that he's the one in control, and unfortunately, he is.

Some dads who won't discipline their kids simply will not see that there is a problem. Sometimes, they ignore what happens right in front of them. If the child is old enough to openly deny (and lie about) what someone else says, dad will almost always believe him. It's sad, but true.

Often, if dad does believe that his child misbehaved, he'll just make excuses for him. The result is that the child learns quickly that nothing is his fault. He learns that there is always someone else to blame. Again, he learns that he is the one in control.

Why does a dad allow this to happen? The excuses are numerous, everything from guilt to laziness to habit. The fact is that the parent who doesn't parent is neglecting his responsibility to his child and threatening his marriage. The reality is that you may not be able to change him, but you can change your approach. These options may help.

Education. If your husband won't believe that he's lost control, try to educate him with some real-life scenarios. Dr. John Rosemond's Affirmative Parenting site provides questions and answers about children who have no discipline -- and the results when their parents accept their responsibility to parent them.

Abdication. Some stepmoms enable their husbands in their destructive pattern by continuing to parent their stepchildren. If you do this, stop. Just stop. Force your husband to deal with his child. After all, he created the problem, and he needs to solve it. This kind of avoidance is obviously harder for custodial stepmoms or those who pick up children for visits, but there are decisions and situations you can avoid.

As much as possible, step back from the day-to-day parenting. If the child gets in trouble at school or another parent calls about a problem, don't even address it. Let dad handle it. If your stepchild asks permission for something, don't respond. Let dad make that decision and deal with the aftermath.

Excuse yourself from events that include your stepchild, and don't make anyone guess why. In all of these instances, don't be afraid to explain your behavior. You're not being vindictive -- you're forcing your husband to face the effects of his failure to be a parent.

Documentation. Often the most hurtful aspects of dealing with a parent who won't parent is a husband who won't believe what you tell him because it puts his child in a bad light. Sadly, many dads will believe a child instead of a wife, even when the child's version makes absolutely no sense and his wife has absolutely no reason to lie.

If you're faced with this pain, try to minimize the confrontations. Tell your husband what really happened -- once -- and then let it go. But always write it down. Document the times that your stepchild lied to your husband to save himself. Keep diligent records of the incidents and, perhaps most importantly, your husband's reactions. It shouldn't take long to see a pattern.

You may also want to document information from other sources, such as grandparents, playmates' parents or schoolteachers. Record the adult's version and your stepchild's version. Again, you should see a pattern.

Verbal arguments tend to be highly emotional and poorly remembered. With a written record of the events, you won't have to say, "he's done this a thousand times…" You can tell your husband how many times, when and where, your stepchild misbehaved, lied, or otherwise manipulated his dad for his own benefit. Again, your husband may not believe you, but you'll have a written record, and that's hard to argue with. Save yourself the trouble of explaining or justifying anything. Just show him the documentation. Then the decisions are up to him.

Preservation. Unfortunately, some children feel that their purpose in life is to break up the marriages of their parents. When a parent won't parent, that makes it even easier. The stepmom can quickly become a casualty of the war.

We expect our marriages to be based on mutual trust and respect. If your marriage is secondary to a child who is controlling his parent, there is no trust and respect. There is danger of failure. Give everything you have and everything you are to your marriage. Try every possible solution to your problems. Do your best to get through to your husband, but remember to take care of yourself, too.

Pay attention to your stress level. Evaluate your life and decide if you can tolerate this situation. Your husband may be putty in his child's hands, but you don't have to be. Your husband is the parent and the adult in the problem. He is responsible for what's happening and for correcting it. You can't do it for him, and your marriage may not survive if he doesn't. Put the pressure where it belongs -- on your husband.

When a parent won't parent, everyone suffers. Your husband's beloved child is the one who will eventually be hurt the most. Children need their parents to parent them, to discipline them with love. Ask your husband if he loves his child enough to be the parent his child needs.

***Return to Stepfamily Issues***

More Resources:

Standing Together to Parent the Kids

Tips for Coping with Discipline

The Voice of Experience

Six Common Conflicts

Guidelines for Parenting

Creating Positive Relationships

John Rosemond's Affirmative Parenting