Your new stepfamily may mean a move across the country or an extra bed in one of the kids' rooms. It may mean a new house or just a new lock on your bedroom door. It may mean extra space to spread out or new rules for sharing cramped quarters. What your new stepfamily will definitely mean is a healthy respect for boundaries and a commitment to compromise.

Most new stepfamilies prefer to start their life in a new home, one that they share together as a family from the very beginning. In the new space, there are only new memories to make, not old ghosts to overcome. Everyone starts out equal, adjusting to the new territory at the same time, laying claim to space at the same time everyone else does. No one's position is better than anyone else's. The family grows together and builds on the foundation of a place that is wholly theirs.

While a new home together is the preferred choice, no doubt, it's not always possible. What can you do if you can't move into a new home, if finances or logistics make it impossible? You do the best you can to make the house you now share the home for your new family. Here are a few suggestions.

Consider the past. If you move into your partner's home because the kids' other parent has passed away, resist the urge for immediate, sweeping changes. While you don't want to live in a shrine to a lost parent, you don't want to remove all memories of the past, either. Take it slowly.

Depending on the ages of the children, discuss with them the best way to keep the memory of their parent alive. Perhaps it will be some pictures or momentos in their bedrooms, or maybe it's keeping for a while the wallpaper the parent chose for the bathroom. It doesn't matter, as long as you acknowledge your stepchildren's loss and don't try to completely erase the parent from the home. After a while, begin with small changes to make the house your own. Just don't rush it.

Consider the present. What if you move into your stepchildren's home and their other parent is still alive? Some stepparents have met with fierce opposition from their stepchildren when they try to redecorate their homes, even when the children's other parent has a home, too. Again, take it slowly, and keep your focus on building your family something new instead of ridding yourself of the old.

Involve the whole family in ideas and plans for renovations. Stress how the changes will fit your new family better and the benefits of the changes, such as added space or an updated look. Some areas, such as the room you share with your spouse and any office or personal space you may have, need no approval. Go ahead and start your renovations there, and encourage the kids to experiment with a new look or feel for their rooms, too. Make it fun. Keep the changes in a positive light, and avoid any negative comments about any decorating or design by the kids' other parent. It's not about criticizing his/her work, it's about producing your own.

Consider the size of your family. Space may be at a premium when you unite your two families. Kids who once enjoyed a room alone may now have to share with a sibling or stepsibling. Sacred privacy that was once taken for granted may now seem an elusive goal. How do you accommodate two families into the space once occupied by only one?

The answer involves a little creativity and a lot of negotiation. First, consider all of the rooms of your house. Can a room that was once "community space" be used for someone's bedroom? Look at the possibility of some unconventional arrangement if it would allow for much-needed privacy. If there simply isn't any more space, then you'll have to work with what you've got. Try an inexpensive room divider or screen. You can even let the kids have fun painting or decorating it -- exactly how they please, even if the colors make you cringe.

Further, establish some boundaries. Separate closets would be great if you have those available, but if not, again, divide closet or other storage space in a fun way. You can even let each child have a wall to personalize with posters or mirrors or pictures or items from school. The more space that a child can make his own, the less likely he is to feel imposed upon by new family members.

Consider the future of your family. You want your new family to bond, and a great way to do that is to do a family project together. Again, start slowly. Choose one space, maybe a porch or the utility room, and start making your changes there. Make it an event, and elicit ideas and thoughts from everyone. Vote on colors or a theme for the space. Then work together to make it something new, something that reflects your family. Perhaps each member can make a contributution to the new space. Frame younger children's artwork to use for decoration or allow older kids to help with the renovation. Take pride in what you've accomplished together.

Then move on the next area that seems to need your attention. After you live together as a family for a while, you'll begin to see where changes need to be made. You'll find that children may need to switch rooms or that the furniture you have just isn't working anymore. That's ok. Don't feel that you need to get everything "set" once and for all. Be open to change and new ideas, and develop a style for your home that fits your family.

Whether you start with a new house or a house your spouse once shared with someone else, it doesn't matter. It's your family that will make the house a home, and you have all the time in the world to do that. Enjoy!

***Return to The New Stepparent***

More Resources:

Surviving a Move

Changing Primary Homes

The Importance of Solitude