When we are feeling envious, we are definitely not paying attention to what's most important in our lives. We are losing sight of the questions we need to ask ourselves about how we spend our time and energy. Our future is in danger when we let the habit of envy color our world. It will never get us where we want to be.

Envy is a particularly debilitation emotion, unique and powerful in its ability to hurt you. It gnaws at your heart and soul because it focuses your attention away from the blessings you've been given (material or otherwise) and onto what you see of someone else's life.

That focus is especially detrimental to a stepmom because she may often find herself with less than those around her, certainly less money and fewer possessions. When the focus is on what we don't have instead of what we do, our vision is polluted. With the envy in our eyes, we won't ever see what wonderful blessings God has already given us and the ones He has in store for us. It's a sad way to live.

The source.

Why is envy such a problem in a stepmom's life? The answer probably lies in the many things that she feels like she's lost in her choice to become a stepmom. Because a stepfamily always seems to have to swim against the tide to survive, it's common for a stepmom to long for a simpler, less draining, more comfortable life.

In that vein, one of the easiest things for a stepmom to do is compare her life to that of her husband's ex-wife. If you're living through tight finances and broken plans because of her, it can seem almost natural to hate what can feel like captivity and envy everything your stepkids' mom has at your husband's expense. If you're raising her children (with or without their consent), it's hard not to feel overwhelmed at what should be her responsibility. It's easy to envy her wealth or her freedom, but it hurts only one person -- you.

The result.

All envy comes from not being satisfied with where you are, and it just shows itself by focusing on where others are. You waste valuable time and energy when you choose to make someone else's life more important than your own. And when you let what your stepkids' mom has bother you so much that you can't see what you have, you've made your life miserable all by yourself. The envy you feel pushes out ten times its weight in peace. The result is decay from within. A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. (Proverbs 14:30 NIV)

We need every ounce of strength we can muster to fight this dangerous emotion and get through our other steplife problems. A set of rotting bones to hold us up won't help us very much, now will it?! We can take that verse literally (because we do need our physical strength), but the "rotting bones" of your heart are far more important. The strength that you have in there is eroded when you let envy in. Keep the envy out and you can experience a life of peace.

The method.

But what do you do to keep the envy away? You change your focus from someone else's life to your own. You change your focus from what you've lost to what you've gained. You change your focus from where you've failed to where you can succeed. Making the changes that you need in your life to create more happiness and satisfaction will leave no room for the envy. There will be far greater joys.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV)

The treasures that will bring you the most happiness aren't the ones you can buy, or the ones that come from someone else's loss. What others do or don't do, have or don't have is irrelevant. It's what happens inside your home and your heart that matters. If you will be envious for anything, let it be for the closeness and family connectedness that only time will allow. Let your longing for those kinds of treasures propel you to reach them hand in hand with God to guide your way. Those are the blessings just waiting in store for us.

Create and remember special times that you and your husband share. Etch in your heart the bonds that you and your stepchild feel, even just the slightest ones. Write about the deepening relationship you have with your Lord, and that comfort alone will replace any misplaced desire for things that can bring you no such comfort. The life that someone else has, even if it's filled with mansions of gold, means nothing to you. It can't hurt you unless you let it. Turn your mind and your heart away from there and toward the life you truly want.

Another blessing.

A wonderful thing will happen when you keep the envy away from your heart. The beauty of a simpler life will find you, and it's simpler because your mind is not cluttered with the unimportant trappings that envy shoves into your heart. The more you move your focus away from wanting what someone else has, the more happiness you'll find in the bounty of what you have and what you can create. Without envy as your guide, you simply make the choices that are about you and your walk with God.

But when your life is ruled by envy, disorder prevails because envy is always pushing you somewhere that isn't good for you, pushing you to destroy instead of build. For where you find envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (James 3:16 NIV)

That's no way for a stepmom to live. We need lots of order! We need to always find the purest truth, the clearest path, the strongest conviction. We can't do that with an envious heart that scrambles everything around us, causing us to turn our "what's important" list upside down. The simplicity in a life without envy will make everything clear again. There is only what's good for you and your family and what isn't. It's not hard to decide.

Question: What situations or thoughts make you particularly envious and how can you avoid them? What part of being a stepmom can you fill with peace so that envy cannot take hold? Pray for the clarity to see the amazing life that God has in store just for you.