Few stepmoms have escaped the horrible, if temporary, feelings of hate and vindictiveness that can easily overpower you in situations you never imagined. The nature of the role pits you against another mom, and often she fights for control, sometimes even invading your home. Stepchildren can sometimes be unpleasant at best and mean and resistant at worst. Your instinct is to retaliate, but God has a better plan. You will gain nothing by embracing the hate.

Your entire life, not just the stepmom parts, will always be filled with opportunities to respond with cruelty and meanness. But you can choose another course, if you want to, one of compassion. Find comfort in God's compassion for you, practice extending compassion to others, and never forget compassion for yourself.

God wants to hold you close and calm your fears. He wants to strengthen you with his understanding and patience so that you can carry on when your life gets heavy. He wants you to feel his peace and compassion, and he sends it in many ways. And it's always there when you need it. Don't forget to look.

When you find rest from a hard day, in the words of a Psalm or the beauty of a sunset or the quiet of a few minutes alone, that's God's hand reaching out to you. When you have a sincere and moving talk with your husband and he hears your fears and tries to help, that's God's heart holding you close. When you get through, in even some tiny way, to your stepchild and see that your relationship has a chance, that's God's soul giving you hope and courage to continue. His compassion comes in many ways. All you have to do is look for it, and then share it.

Feeling compassion for those that hurt you, sometimes very deeply and continually, is especially hard, but it helps you deal with your pain. When your stepchildren's mom is impossible to deal with, responding in kind won't help you feel any better. Responding with compassion will. You don't have to defend her or even understand her, but you can choose to approach the situation with a compassion for everyone's pain, with a realization that we all have demons to deal with, and it doesn't help any to pass judgment on anyone's demons except your own.

When you choose to ignore her rude or hateful comments, for example, you are showing a compassion bigger than any insult. When you choose to focus on looking ahead and trying to find a way around a similar problem next time, you're responding in a way that allows you to hear God's guidance. When you extend your compassion in any small way, you reflect God's presence in your life. That's never wrong, and it will always strengthen you.

Don't overlook your own heart when you're sharing your compassion. It's so easy for stepmoms to get overcome with feelings of shame and confusion and a tremendous need for peace. Sometimes we desperately need a break from the demands of the role. Don't be afraid to give yourself that break.

Do your best, and then relax. Do everything that you can for your family, and then know when you can't give any more. Do what you feel is right, and then trust your choices. If you beat yourself up over every bobble or second-guess every word out of your mouth, you'll never make any real progress. Your job is tough. Don't become your own worst enemy.

As you greet each morning, ask yourself how you'll give and receive compassion throughout the day. If it feels strange and foreign, that's okay. Give the practice of compassion time to work its magic in your life. Enjoy the benefits.

• Just for today, write down the first thing you would say when faced with a hurt or angry moment. Then wait and respond instead with compassion.

• Just for today, treat yourself very gently. Notice what you say to yourself in this very difficult job, and be sure that you have a little compassion for your heart. You deserve it.