How many times have you heard this (or said it)? "Don't tell me how to raise my kids -- you don't know what you're talking about!" Welcome to one of the major issues that can destroy your marriage and damage your sanity -- parenting each other's children.

Stepfamilies often struggle with the different parenting styles of the parents, which can vary from one end of the sprectrum to the other. It can come as quite a surprise, but when you and your partner married, you inherited more than each other's children and mismatched furniture. You inherited each other's history, unique styles and hang-ups of parenting that now may clash like strips of busy wallpapers.

The clashes you have may be slight or severe, but they won't go away by themselves -- they can only be managed. Dealing with them requires patience, tolerance and compromise. Here are a few guidelines to help you along the way:

• Be specific. Explain in as much detail as you can why you feel the way you do. Just because something seems obvious to you doesn't mean your spouse will automatically see it. You may have reasons for your actions based on a history with your child that you spouse doesn't know. Try to explain your feelings with as much concrete information as possible.

• Listen. Listen while your spouse explains why he feels the way he does. You can't understand what you won't even hear, so open your mind and be as objective as possible. Be sure that you clearly grasp what he is saying, even if you don't agree.

• Be gentle. There are few things people are more protective of than their children -- and their own ability to parent them well. Realize that whatever you say will hurt because it hits so close to home, so be as gentle and nonjudgmental as possible. This is not a time for trying to win, but a time for understanding. You can't get anywhere if someone feels so threatened that he won't hear you.

• Give examples. Blanket statements, especially about someone's children, are worthless for gaining understanding. You and your spouse will both be on the defensive when this topic comes up. If you can offer examples directly related to the problem instead of "always" and "never" kinds of statements, you can have a discussion more about cause and effect and less about placing blame.

• Be flexible. Just because you've "always done it that way" doesn't necessarily make it right. Sometimes, especially if we've been single parents for any length of time, we become more and more resistant to anyone else's ideas about our children. It's possible, though, that we need a wake-up call now and then and that we've gone too far in one direction or the other. An objective voice is sometimes a blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that your spouse may see something you can't.

• Be consistent. Once the two of you have agreed on a parenting decision, keep it. Even if children don't like the rules, they will adapt if they know they won't change --and if they get the same answer from both of you.

• Make it a "we" decision. Dissent in private, but be joined at the hip in public. Parenting, or stepparenting for that matter, is not a popularity contest. It's a team sport, and you must share both the credit and the blame. Make it clear that decisions have come from both parents and that all future decisions will, as well.

When you and your spouse form a united front that is strong and unwavering, your children will find security in that. As you work through the inevitable clashes of your parenting styles, a new style will develop. It will be one that is uniquely suited to your family, one that will take the best from both of you and deliver the best to your children. Work for it.

***Return to Stepfamily Issues***

More Resources:

When the Parent Won't Parent

Tips for Coping with Discipline

The Voice of Experience

Six Common Conflicts

Guidelines for Parenting

Creating Positive Relationships

John Rosemond's Affirmative Parenting