Congratulations -- you're going to have a baby! Time for baby showers and nursery furniture, the search for a name and the change in your diet. Now should be one of the happiest times of your life, but just like other issues in stepfamilies, a new addition is more complicated, too. How's your family holding up?

* Ideally, all of your children, step and biological, too, are looking forward to your baby's arrival. In many cases, a new brother or sister can help a fractured stepfamily come together with renewed commitment and surprising love and loyalty. The "ours" baby can be the link that holds everyone together as he joins a family of welcoming arms.

* Sadly, in other cases, stepchildren feel threatened by a new baby. They may be afraid of losing their parent's -- or even their stepparent's -- love. They may feel that they will be displaced and somehow forgotten when all of the parents' attention is focused on the baby.

The kids may even feel that the new baby will be loved the most, and they may be jealous that he gets to have both his parents together all the time. If you sense that any of your children are having these feelings, the best approach is the most direct. Discuss the new baby with all of the kids together, and express your joy and hope that the little one will unite your family even more.

Involve the kids in preparing for the birth, decorating the nursery, even designing birth announcements that include everyone's name. Explain that the baby will not take anyone's place or steal anyone's parent. A new baby won't mean that stepchildren will suddenly become unwelcome. The baby is bringing more love into the family, not taking any away.

* Sometimes, stepchildren are quite resistant to the idea of a new baby, and in some extreme cases, even threaten their new siblings. If you find yourself in this situation, seek professional help immediately. A certain amount of jealousy or competition may be unavoidable, but a stepchild who is openly hostile to his parent's new baby is dangerous. While these cases are rare, be aware of anything that makes you suspicious and take steps to protect everyone in your family.

*The kids may be fine, but what about mom? If you're having pangs of guilt because you want some time alone with your husband, don't. You need and deserve that time with your husband and new baby, but you must also be realistic. The stepchildren were there first and need to be included in their brother or sister's life from the very beginning.

Try to make things easy on yourself by planning ahead for some "baby" time that is just for you and your husband and some "baby" time that includes the whole family. The kids need to know they're not being replaced. If your stepchildren are old and mature enough to babysit, let them. Give them the privileges and responsibility that come with being a big brother or big sister.

* The new baby is different. He won't have any stepsiblings, and he won't understand half-siblings, so from the beginning, use the terms "brother" or "sister," not half-brother or half-sister. No one wants to be half of anything, and the bond that you want to grow between the kids will grow best when everyone is considered whole in the family at your house. Everyone is loved and cherished, but some may come and go.

* The visitation schedule of stepchildren may be harder for the new baby to accept than you might imagine. While a child will adapt to his family's structure, don't be surprised if your "ours" baby is disrupted by the arrivals and departures of his siblings. If he is, do what you can to reduce the stress surrounding these times and focus on the joy that the visits bring.

Many stepfamilies find the final piece when they add a new baby to the puzzle that is their lives. The child occupies a unique place in the family and often helps to bring everyone closer together. What a blessing!

***Return to Stepfamily Issues***

More Resources:

New Baby Q & A

Separated Siblings

How to Tell the Children

Bringing Home Baby

How Your Stepchild Feels

The Sibling Relationship

5 Ways to Prepare for Baby

Financial Planning for Baby