With all of the critical problems that can plague a stepfamily, you wouldn't think that what the stepchildren called their stepparents would be of much concern, but in many cases, it's a touchy subject. There are no rules for the name because there are no rules for the relationship. Each family has to decide what works best for them, and sometimes, the decision can turn into a battle.

Everyone has an opinion on what name the stepkids should use, and it's important to try to understand everyone else's position. Hopefully, the adults will be able to peacefully agree on the choice the kids prefer -- because the name may be more important to them than to anyone else.

The Bio-Parent. The bio-parent usually has the biggest stake in what his or her children call their stepparent. Some parents strongly object to their children calling another person mom or dad, and if this is the case, it's usually best to honor the parent's feelings.

This situation gets even more complicated if the bio-parent is bitter toward his/her former spouse and uses this name game out of spite. Either way -- when your spouse encourages the children to call you, the stepparent, mom or dad just to annoy the other parent, or when the kids' other bio-parent tells the children to call his/her new spouse mom or dad to annoy your spouse -- is wrong. This kind of game is very unhealthy for everyone concerned, especially the kids. The name the children use needs to almost always be approved by the bio-parent, regardless of the relationship between the ex's.

The almost always refers to most cases. In stepfamilies in which the children's bio-parent is absent, abusive or otherwise uninvolved in the children's lives, the parent and stepparent the children live with should have much more control over the final decision.

The Stepparent. In cases where the stepparent is non-custodial, and especially if the kids are past the age of four or five, kids often refer to their stepparent by his/her first name. Sometimes, the stepparent and stepkids together will arrive at a nickname that satisfies everyone and sounds a bit more "cozy" than the first name. One of these solutions seems to work the majority of the time.

The Children. If the children are very young and spend half or more of their time with their stepparent, they may be more inclined to use the term mom or dad on their own. Or if the children are older and their bio-parent is absent from their lives, they may also want to call their stepparent mom or dad because the stepparent functions more like a parent than a stepparent. If this arrangement is ok with everyone, great. But again, you have to consider the circumstances of your situation and reach a name everyone can agree on.

Whatever name is agreed upon, the children need to be happy with it. If at all possible, try to go along with what the child chooses. Forcing a child to call a stepparent mom or dad is never a good idea. The stepparent is an outsider from the beginning, and demanding the child use mom or dad could make building a relationship even harder. If at all possible, leave the choice of a name up to the children.

The Choices. Many stepfamilies that want to incorporate the mom or dad into the stepparent's title use a combination of mom or dad and the stepparent's given name, such as "Mommy-Sue" or "Daddy-Mike." Some use the contraction "S'mom," which stands for stepmom. Still others come up with something totally different and unique for only the children to use. The choices are unlimited -- it's the attitude that counts.

The Truce. If this issue is disrupting your family, be open to compromise and keep the kids' feelings at the front of the fight. Realize that just because the kids use a term you don't like today doesn't mean that they will use it tomorrow and forever.

As we all know, the only constant in a stepfamily is change, so if you're unhappy with the choice right now, try to put some perspective on it and remember that it may change. If you feel like you've "lost" this round, remember that feelings mean a whole lot more than names. Make sure that the kids know it, too.

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More Resources:

Stepdad Prefers "Stepfather"

Stepson Calls Stepmom Mom