One of the biggest sources of problems in a stepfamily concerns money. The common problems of budgeting are complicated by former spouses, divided loyalties and unending demands on a tightly stretched bank account. How the partners deal with these problems will have a lasting impact on the marriage and family.

Financial matters for a stepfamily are impossible to ignore. Even in the best of marriages, there are sensitive decisions that have to be made every day concerning the distribution of your money. You and your partner may come into your marriage with very different spending styles and wide ranging needs. Just as in traditional families, money is a hot topic for us, too, and dealing with the problems leads to plenty of stress.

Getting started

Ideally, you discussed your finances with your spouse before you married and were able to come to an agreement on how you will handle your money. If not, when the first big money issue presents itself, you won't be able to avoid it.

The problems arise because your family carries the baggage of previous relationships and because the distribution of the money is often skewed. Both spouses are apt to feel resentment and even anger when they have to give more than they think they should or when one spouse is not contributing as much as the other to the marriage. Getting past these issues can be extremely difficult.

It's important that both partners disclose their financial situations so that everyone knows what the obligations are going to be for the new family. It's important to share all information about child support, alimony, debts and anything else that could have an impact on your marriage.

If partners are far apart in their financial situations, the idea of a prenuptial agreement may come up. Many stepparents see a prenuptial agreement as a practical step and nothing more. Knowing the poor success rate for second marriages, some people consider it simply an admission of reality, not a lack of love or trust.

However, just as in first marriages, some partners will be adamantly opposed to the idea. The bottom line is this: if you feel that you need a prenuptial agreement or if you feel insulted that your partner requests one, it's a bigger issue than money and you'll have to resolve it before you can move on with your life. Because this idea brings up so many others, counseling is a great next step to help both partners reconcile their feelings and worries about the marriage and their finances. A good family counselor or financial planner can help you make the right decisions.

With or without a prenuptial agreement, you and your spouse will have to decide how to marry your money. Many couples choose to establish three separate accounts: his, hers and ours. This arrangements works for many stepfamilies when both partners have an income and can largely support themselves, or when the partner who makes more money chooses to contribute a lion's share to the joint account.

Other stepfamilies choose to put all of the family's money in one pile and pay from there all of the household expenses. Either of these arrangements works if both partners agree on how to spend the money -- when they don't, the problems mount.

The conflicts

Issues involving money can breed tons of anger and ill will that lead to real problems: one kid gets more than the others; one parent spends too much on his or her kids; child support causes a hardship on the new family; stepchildren are ungrateful and selfish; an ex-spouse demands more money or fails to pay child support -- the list goes on and on.

The reason behind these and other money conflicts is usually one of three things, and sometimes a combination.

Management. Poorly managed finances lead to arguments and dissention over money even when the family has plenty to go around. A budget for your family is a good idea so that you'll have a plan for your money. Then you and your partner will both be accountable and aware of the obligations your family faces.

Also, a budget is especially important if the partners have widely different spending habits. If one parent is a miser and the other can't hold on to any cash, the conflicts will occur more frequently. Having a budget will help keep everyone in check, and each partner having some money of his or her own is a good idea, too. That amount can be whatever fits into your budget, but each partner needs to be able to spend some agreed-upon amount of money without approval from the spouse.

Overindulgence. Frequently, the stepparent will feel that the parent spends too much on his or her kids, regardless of where the kids live. Frequently, this shows itself in the"Disneyland Dad" syndrome in which noncustodial dads try to buy their kids' affection and make up for a disrupted life by overcompensating with gifts and other indulgences. A mom, custodial or otherwise, may do the same thing by indulging her children while her husband sees that she's dangerously indulging the kids.

In these kinds of cases, the visible results of the problem are about money and things, but the underlying cause is a lack of parenting skills. When a parent uses money to parent his children, the real result is selfish, poorly behaved children who need a stronger parent, and a marriage that's in trouble under the strain of a parent who is neglecting his or her responsibilities.

Resentment. A final reason for conflicts is the stepparent's feelings of being used or taken advantage of. The stepparent may resent spending money on his or her stepchildren, especially if the family is struggling, if the stepparent was financially secure before the marriage, or if the children's other family is much more comfortable financially.

The stepparent may fight feelings of "they're not even mine" when faced with financial obligations for stepchildren, especially as they grow older and want money for cars, education, or other heavy expenditures. If either of the stepchildren's birthparents isn't contributing to the children's needs, the resentment is even more likely to occur.

All of these problems can be solved, but they require a strong effort. If you need to establish a budget for your stepfamily, do it. Get professional help if you need it, or consult some online resources. If you or your partner is overindulging the kids, realize the risk it poses to your marriage and the disservice it does to the kids.

Introduce the kids to the new budget and be a better parent at the same time. If you feel any resentment for your financial contribution to your stepchildren, talk to your spouse about it. Get it out in the open and search for a solution together. You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings, but if you work with your partner and put your marriage first, you'll be able to deal with them so that you can move on with your life.

Many stepparents find themselves willing to share all of their resources -- time, money and everything else -- easily with their stepchildren. In these cases, there is far more harmony for the family, even if there isn't an abundance of money. For the stepparents who feel resentful and imposed upon by the financial demands of stepchildren, they'll clearly have a much harder time building a satisfying family and home life.

Even if they are struggling to help their spouse deal with financial obligations, many stepparents say that they won't abandon their family and that they have learned a value of life that doesn't revolve around money. Granted, that's easier said than done, but a strong marriage and a joint effort by both partners is the place to start to deal with all problems, including those that involve money. Communicate with your spouse and tackle these problems before they get any larger. You can find a solution together.

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More Resources:

Child Support Calculator

Financial Solutions

Protecting Your Income

New Marriage, New Budget

Budgeting Center

Prenuptial Agreements

Watch Out for Post-Nups