Most of us come into our stepfamilies with a little fear, a little uncertainty, and lots of questions. Where do I fit in the family? What is my role? What are my responsibilities? There is much to learn.

One way to help everyone adjust is to hold a Family Meeting. It's especially beneficial as you begin your stepfamily so that you can open the lines of communication right from the start. Some families hold regular meetings at a designated time each month. Others meet when there is an issue to discuss. You'll learn what's best for your family.

There is no one right way to hold a family meeting, but there are a few general guidelines that might help you get underway. Remember, a meeting is meant to solve problems and answer questions -- don't make it seem like a test or an inquisition. It can be fun!

Before the Meeting. You and your spouse choose the time and place for your meeting, most likely at home, but it doesn't have to be. And the best time will be when you have plenty of time, so you won't have to rush, perhaps later in the evening or first thing Saturday morning.

Then give the kids a few days notice. They may be resistant, but if they can expect the meeting instead of having it dropped on them unannounced, they may be less uneasy about their participation. Ask them if there is anything they want addressed in the meeting, and if so, add it to your agenda.

Make your agenda. It doesn't have to be detailed enough for NASA, but you need something to keep you on track. You can write it down and pass out copies in advance if you like, or just at the beginning of the meeting, let everyone know what you're going to discuss.

Rules for the Meeting. Block out the time for your meeting. No television, no phone calls, no interruptions. Make everyone comfortable, and provide paper and pencils in case you need to take an anonymous vote!

You and your spouse are in charge. You run the meeting, but of course, you let everyone have a time to listen and talk. The purpose of the meeting is to understand and enlighten -- no one can insult or bully anyone else.

Keep notes. You may want to distribute a copy to everyone else, too. Note what issues were discussed, what changes were announced, what new responsibilities are expected of everyone, and make special note of anything funny or heartwarming that occurred in the meeting.

After the Meeting. For your family meetings to have any clout, whatever is announced or decided on in them must be followed. In the days afterward, refer to the events of the meeting when you need to explain something to the kids. Show them that you value the meetings and plan to adhere to what the family agreed upon there. Show them that it wasn't a waste of time.

Let the kids know that any member of the family can call a meeting anytime they need to. And if you decide on a regular schedule, let everyone know that, too.

The family meeting is designed to help everyone adjust to stepfamily life. None of us comes into a stepfamily with all the answers, but with teamwork and a real effort to understand everyone else, we can get a whole lot closer. Good luck!

***Return to The New Stepparent***

***Highly recommended: Establishing Your House Rules***