From the moment they're born, children feel a natural, inherent loyalty to their parents. It's easy, and it's not something that the parent worries about earning or losing. It's a vastly different situation with stepparents, and the worries about loyalty are some of the biggest that they face.

A stepparent comes into a child's life uninvited and sometimes unwanted. The stepparent may only be seen as a figure that dispenses discipline, infringes on the child's space, and takes the attention of the child's parent away from him. At first, those feelings may be quite common, but they don't have to define the stepparent/stepchild relationship. It can be much more. It can become a relationship of loyalty.

Earning their loyalty. A stepparent without enough patience to build a watch won't survive very happily for very long. Children grant their loyalty on their schedules, not yours. Remember that it's a lot more important to you than it is to them for them to feel loyal to you. They're in no hurry, so give them all the time they need.

Loyalty isn't a finite resource. Earning your stepchildren's loyalty doesn't mean taking it away from someone else. They can be loyal to you and to their biological parent, too, so don't try to destroy another relationship to build your own. It will backfire and you'll lose, every time. Your relationship exists alongside all others, and there is enough loyalty to go around. If you try to take all of it for yourself, though, you'll never have it.

You can't see it, but you'll know it's there. You can't buy your stepchildren's affection or love, and you can't trick them into trusting you. You can only take advantage of the opportunities to prove yourself to them and hope they're paying attention. When you've earned their loyalty, you'll feel it. Most likely, they won't write you long letters of devotion, but you'll feel their loyalty when they do. Protect it.

Losing their loyalty. Stepparenting is harder than parenting for a multitude of reasons, and one common issue for stepparents is the fear of rejection by their stepchilden. Stepparents know that their stepchildren don't have to love them. A child's loyalty that is given freely can just as easily be taken away. It's a horrible fear.

The stepparent/stepchild relationship is always fragile, but it grows stronger every day. Loyalty is like concrete. It is a delicate mixture that takes time and the right conditions to cure, but then it becomes strong and unshakable by anything except the fiercest of blows. Trust that your stepchild's loyalty is strong, too, and not easily destroyed. Never take it for granted, though. Protect it by continuing to build it.

Returning their loyalty. When a child reaches out to you and gives you the opportunity to be the kind of stepparent you want to be, don't miss it. Every time you are there when you say you will be, every time you keep a promise, every time you stick up for them and love them without question, they learn that this relationship is important to you. They learn that you are real and permanent. They learn that you are loyal to them, too. It doesn't take money or even an excessive amount of time. It just takes your heart.

***Return to The New Stepparent***

More Resources:

Building Stepparent/Child Relationships

Stepparents' Isolation

Rejection by Stepchildren