Stepfamily members all bring lots of emotional baggage to the family, and some inevitable problems ensue. Regardless of what the specific issues in your stepfamily are, though, learning to communicate in an effective manner can help you deal with the complications and address the problems that you face.

The following guidelines are good communication habits for everyone in your house to adopt. You'll need to practice, because some of these steps won't always come naturally, especially when emotions are running high. Still if you can learn to communicate effectively, you'll have more time and energy to spend on building your family, and that's what counts!

1. Listen First. Poor communication begins when we insist on being heard before we hear. Make it a habit to listen to the other person first, before you make assumptions and lash out at the ones you love. You may have misunderstood or jumped to the wrong conclusions. As the saying goes -- that's why you have two ears and one mouth. Listen first. It's a very good habit.

2. Withhold Judgment. Again, you can make your problems even worse when you start judging a situation before you understand it. And sometimes, it takes more than one conversation to understand something. Don't be too quick to judge and act. Give yourself time to investigate the problem.

3. Stick to the Facts. All families have problems, but the problems in a stepfamily are complicated by the different pasts and tender emotions that surround them. Sometimes, we let the emotions influence our communication efforts, and it's usually in a negative way. Instead, focus on what happened, on behavior and facts. Then when you can see things more objectively, you can address the problem in a more rational way.

4. Be Honest. Don't add to your problems by hiding the truth. Stepfamily members, especially, are prone to resentment and insecurity that can lead to conflict. So tell your family members exactly how you feel, why you're hurt or angry, and what you believe is causing the conflict. They may not agree with you, but at least they will learn to trust you when you tell them the truth, even if it's something they don't want to hear.

5. Speak Quietly. Shouting is not a very effective communication method, unless your house is on fire. Otherwise, speak softly -- people listen when you whisper. The more you yell, the more your family members will tune you out and run for cover. When you shout, it appears that you've lost control, that you're unapproachable, and that you've closed your mind to other points of view. Speak quietly and they will listen.

6. Seek Solutions. The goal of good communication is a solution to your problem. When you communicate effectively, everyone learns something, everyone is heard, and the problem is diminished. It's not about winning or placing blame. It's about getting through the inevitable conflicts by finding workable solutions that keep your family intact. When everyone works as a team to communicate and understand each other, your family grows.

All problems won't be solved with good communication skills, but no problem with be solved without them. Start today to improve your skills, so that the next time your family is faced with a conflict, you'll know where to begin.

***Return to Stepfamily Issues***

More Resources:

Verbal Fencing

Communicate, Integrate, Celebrate

Intimacy Through Communication

Speaking Up: How to Be More Assertive

Communication Skills for Stress Reduction