2. Teach them. Stepmoms are often stressed and sometimes surprised by the sheer amount of work their stepchildren are. For stepmoms without children of their own, it's even more of a shock. Between the cooking and cleaning and laundry and shopping, the stress can mount and, worse, lead to resentment. Stepdads aren't immune, either, from the feelings of too much responsibility. Eliminate it for both of you by giving it to the kids.

It will be more work up front perhaps, but the more self-sufficient the kids become, the more relaxed you can become. Teach them. Teach them the skills they can master. Do it now and save yourself time, work and stress as they grow.

Even young children can sort laundry, clean up dishes, take out the trash, make beds and put away clothes. Older ones can handle cooking, all of the laundry duties, yard work and cleaning chores. The more they learn to do on their own, the less you have to stress over doing it for them. Lower your standards a little, if you have to, but give them the chores that are part of taking care of the household and let them learn. You're teaching them a work ethic, responsibility to the family and valuable skills. And you're giving yourself some valuable time and peace of mind without killing yourself to take care of them.

3. Clean out the kid clutter. Like your own clutter, kid clutter can cause all of you stress on a daily basis. Does this sound familiar: the kids can't find their shoes or their homework, you're late, you help them look for whatever they've lost, you trip and fall because every square inch of the floor is covered with toys or clothes, you yell at the kids, they cry or yell back, you're still late, you get mad, you swear they're going to clean things up, you finally get out of the house, you're so stressed you can't breathe, you get back home and just hope that you don't have to go through another morning like that one, but you don't even want to look at the mess, and then you do it all over again the next day. Whew! There has to be a better way. There is.

Remember, control what you can. Establish a central location for shoes, belts, medicine, school supplies - whatever it is that they lose on a regular basis. Have a "roll call" well in advance of your departure time and make sure that everything is accounted for. This kind of clutter-busting is something that you can control.

Try to eliminate the opportunity for clutter as much as possible by thinking ahead. If the kids eat in the car, make sure that everyone cleans up their mess before they get out -- and that they put the trash in the trash can. If their homework gets lost under their beds or in their closets, have them leave all school supplies in the living room or kitchen so that everything will be contained in one room.

And if they lose something, let them deal with the loss. Don't stress yourself over something that is their responsibility.

4. Find something good. It sounds trite and hokey to say, "think good thoughts," but sometimes, it can help. Take a few moments and write a letter to each of your stepchildren. Express what you like about them, their unique qualities, and maybe a favorite memory you've shared. If you don't have a good past, focus on the future.

Writing the letter won't instantly change the way you feel about your stepchild or solve the issues you need to deal with, but it can help you find a bright spot that will sustain you through the rough days. You don't have to give the letter to your stepchild, but you can if you want to. Just reaffirming some of those positive points for yourself is often enough to help you take a break from the stress and find the strength and courage to keep going.

5. Try not to take it personally. Few rejections hurt as badly as those hurled by an ungrateful, vindictive stepchild. Usually, though, the lashing out has far more to do with the child than it does with you. Still, it hurts, especially if you've enjoyed a pleasant relationship for a while and then your stepchild seems to turn on you and wants little or nothing to do with you. What then?

Take a breath and look for some answers. Start by understanding the stages of childhood that could contribute to the change. Maybe your stepson suddenly needs to identify more with his dad than with you. Maybe your hormone-overloaded teen is experiencing some unique growing pains that are turning her into a nightmare for all adults in her life. Maybe it's a phase that will pass.

And quite possibly, maybe it's coming from another source. It's not fair, but your stepchildren's mom will have a big influence on how they perceive you, at least when they're young. And you can't control her actions. You can only control what you've contributed to the situation. Don't stress yourself by trying to change something you can't.

Try to recognize when your stepchild's anger or frustration has nothing to do with anything you've done. You can still work to improve your relationship, of course, but you can eliminate some of your stress by stepping back from the conflict and looking at the possible causes. If you do feel that you've hurt your stepchild, the quickest way to end that source of stress is to make amends. Do what you can, but don't try to treat a problem you didn't create.

Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your stepchildren, even if there are few of them right now. Take your time, and again, practice the healing art of forgiveness -- without end. There's always hope.

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