One reason that the stress between you and your husband is so overwhelming is that you were probably counting on that relationship to be the one area in which you could relax. You may have expected problems with the kids or the ex's, but you may not have been prepared for all of the problems that have arisen between the two of you. It just doesn't seem fair that with everything else creating such havoc in your life, that you and your partner would stress one another, too. But it happens.

The following five steps won't solve all of the problems between you and your spouse in a week, but they will provide you with a basis for improving your relationship and eliminating some of the stress between you two a little at a time.

1. Examine your reactions. Think for a moment about the way you react when there is a stressful situation between you and your husband. Is there any way that your reactions are compounding your stress? For example, if you react with anger and hostility, then the problem includes whatever is causing the conflict as well as your negative reaction. I know that you can't just sit by silently and let something unfair happen to you, but at the same time, you might be able to reduce your stress just by reducing the severity of your reaction.

The reason it's so hard not to over-react to the conflicts with your husband is because the hurt and the tension hits harder there. Still, if you can react in a more calm and unemotional manner, then you can move on more quickly to solving the conflict, and that reduces your stress! So examine your reactions this week, and see if you can quiet them just a bit and benefit from the calmer approach. You must still tackle the problem and voice your opinions - to become a doormat is not a way to reduce stress. But to avoid a hostile reaction is a good choice.

2. Write it down. When our lives get overly complicated (and all stepmoms' lives do), we are sometimes so overwhelmed by everything that we can't focus on anything. Then we can't improve any part of our lives because we don't know where to begin our work. So to get off to a good start, identify exactly what is causing the stress between you and your spouse. Write each situation or problem down on paper, adding examples if you can, and explain why it stresses you so.

Take your time and make a complete list. When you're clear about what is causing you stress, then you can discuss it and seek a solution. You now have an objective, non-emotional, substantiated explanation of what's going on with you. You're ready for a plan.

3. Devise a plan. The stress between you and your husband won't go away until you know what's causing it. Now that you do, decide that you want to improve your relationship by making some changes. With your husband, go through the list you made, item by item. Find at least one thing that you can do and one thing that your spouse can do to reduce the stress about each situation. Write these down.

For example, let's say that your stepkids' unpredictable schedule is causing you a lot of stress. Your item for the week could be to organize your own activities so that you take care of private or important issues when you *know* the kids won't be around. Your husband could agree to notify you as soon as he learns about the kids' activities for the week -- before you have to ask.

Practice your plan this week. As the situations arise, refer to your plan, do whatever you decided was your responsibility, and see if it helps. Often, just knowing that there will be a different, more positive approach the next time a situation arises can help reduce some of the stress associated with it. A plan means that there is effort and progress. That alone can make dealing with the conflict less stressful.

4. Step back. Sometimes, we bring more stress on ourselves than we have to by getting involved in areas that we could avoid. It's especially easy to take on part of your husband's problems with the ex-wife or the children just because you want to help. Often, though, you can't effect any change in the situation, and that inability and feeling of helplessness that follows brings on more unnecessary stress. That's when it's time to step back and save yourself some grief.

How often do you get involved in your husband's problems and confrontations with the ex? I know that it's almost impossible to stay out of the conflict, but more than likely, there are at least some areas that you could simply step away from. If you don't like the way your husband is dealing with his ex (if he's too lenient, too accommodating, etc.), and if you're unable to do anything about it, then you'll experience even more stress. Those kinds of conflicts need to go on your list (Step 2) and be addressed in your plan (Step 3). In the meantime, just this week, try to step back from your husband's issues and let him handle them. Remember, you don't have to solve everyone else's problems.

5. Forgive. Try as we might, we can't avoid the fights and hurt feelings that any marriage has, and our troubles are compounded by the complications of former spouses and stepchildren. It's a tough way to try to build a lasting relationship! Still, even as much stress as our problems cause us, we can eliminate some of it by granting and seeking forgiveness. If it sounds like we're repeating a step from Week 1, that's okay -- it's worth a second week.

Hold on tightly to your marriage. Remember that it will be the relationship that endures when all the kids are grown and gone. Practice forgiving your husband regularly and feel the reduction in your stress level. It takes energy to hold a grudge. When you let go of a hurt, you can use that energy then in more positive ways, and when you're working toward something instead of against it, your stress level falls.

Your stress level goes up, too, when you've hurt someone else. Learn to ask for forgiveness quickly. Mend your fences, and then you can move on. Perhaps at the end of each day, when you say your "good nights" and "I love yous," take a moment to add "please forgive me" and "I forgive you." Make it a habit so that past hurts don't become present drains. Forgive so that you can work for better things with a lighter heart and a clearer mind.

The problems that cause you stress between you and your husband didn't just suddenly appear, and they won't suddenly disappear. It takes time to work through the trials of your marriage, but if you can reduce even a little of the stress you're feeling, you'll be more able to build a stronger relationship with your husband and a stronger stepfamily. That's the goal.

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