In This Issue:

STEPMOM, Speak Out! ~~ Part 2
Freebies
Books

Our responding stepmoms didn't have any trouble with an answer to our fourth question,

My biggest problem with my stepkids' mom is:

"Her inability to hear what is actually being said to her."

"She is selfish to the core. This includes staying with her current husband who verbally abuses my stepdaughter because she thinks she can't afford to leave him and feed and clothe her baby on her own."

"She doesn't realise that there are more people involved than just her and my husband, there are extended families and that she can't change the plans every time to suit her. We've got a schedule, stick to it or communicate if you want to change something."

That lack of communication can get worse.

"My husband has two girls with an ex-wife and a son from a ex-girlfriend, so our life is a complicated with two ex women and their issues. My biggest problem is that the ex women do not communicate to my husband about anything going on with the kids (all kids live with their moms) whether it is either good or bad. They do not assist in coordinating visits with us or my husband; my husband has to do it all."

Oftentimes, a stepmom's problem is about boundaries, specifically when the mom doesn't acknowledge or accept them. It's tough when she won't respect her place in our lives -- or when she won't accept our place in her kids' lives.

"She thinks giving birth to my stepdaughter entitles her to certain rights over my husband. It has been very difficult for her to realize that she has parental rights over my stepdaughter, no wifely rights over my husband. She used to believe that she has the right to have 24/7 access to my husband at all times, that her demands came before anyone else's, that she can talk about their ex-marriage and the past or comment about his likes and dislikes whenever she felt like it, to the extend that she one time went as far as baking his favorite cookies for Christmas."

"How when I teach anything to the kids, when they share it with her she says I am wrong and I have no idea what I am talking about. She is so stubborn and angry, that instead of embracing something positive, she will teach them something wrong just to make them think I have no idea what I am talking about."

And one stepmom has a couple of problems to share, and she has some great advice, too. Again, we see how learning to communicate could be the choice that would go a long way in making things better.

"She has an untreated mental illness, which seems to mean a lot of tiptoeing around issues for everyone involved. The consensus in my husband’s family is that she is not rational and you can’t have a logical, grown-up conversation with her. She babies her son and doesn’t trust my husband’s parenting skills. It can be 75 degrees, and she’ll call and leave three lengthy messages about how it’s supposed to be cold today; please make sure her son wears a jacket. Then she starts on an angry tirade, all captured on our voice mail, about how my husband never does this, and he never does that, and he needs to stop being so arrogant, and everything is not about him, and he needs to improve and change.

Transitions are hard for my step son and she makes them more difficult. It seems that sets him up for failure. If his dad is coming to pick him up at 3 p.m., at 2 p.m., she’ll take him to an especially fun place, e.g. the house of a friend who has a pool. When dad shows up, guess what, step son is having fun and doesn’t want to leave. Then he has a tantrum and things get very tense between her and my husband. Then she uses her son’s outburst as proof that her son wants to be with her more than he wants to be with my husband. I think that’s twisted."

I agree. Here's how it should work:

"I am a parent myself, and share custody of my own son with my ex. My son’s dad and I have always tried to put each other in a place of honor in our child’s life. When we have a transition, we try to give lead time and ‘sell’ the situation if we need to. For example: “Your dad’s coming right after dinner. I think you’re going to the go-cart track. That sounds like fun!” I really wish that my step son’s mom had the maturity to do that also.

"Incidentally, my son's dad and his new wife, my husband and I all get along fine. Things aren't always perfect, but we are polite, friendly, cordial, helpful, communicative, etc. When we had an issue with how my son was doing in school recently, the four of us (and my son) all sat down together over dinner and brainstormed and made decisions about putting him in a new school and how we would pay for it, etc. It's nice to have this as a positive experience, but it makes the experience with my step son's mom seem even more bizarre and ludicrous."

Some of our responders had a hard time coming up with an prize-winning answer to our final question:

My biggest success with my stepkids' mom has been:

"None to date."

"We've gotten to a point where we can smile and nod at each other when we are in each other's company, rather than scowl and snare."

But we can be encouraged:

"On several occasions over the years she has acknowledged that I do a lot for the kids - clothes, driving, school meetings, paying for private school my husband couldn't afford on his own, etc. I don't think she takes me for granted."

Our final responses again point out the critical important of boundaries. It's not about trying to abolish someone from your life -- it's about not letting someone manage it for you.

"My chat with her after two years, so that she can realise (but I don't think she did) that I'm a force to reckon with and that her kids will not come between me and my husband and that our rules are our rules in our house."

"Establishing boundaries and never being afraid to stick to those boundaries. And re-establishing them over and over again when and if needed."

No, it's never easy, but life with mom doesn't have to be torture, either. The more we concentrate on our own homes, cling to the boundaries we set, and continue to look for the successes we trust will come, the happier we'll be. And the more peace and serenity we'll feel in this role riddled with stress.

The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends!

I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here.

'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
Send me Email.