In This Issue:

1. Mind Your Manners -- Please!
2. Freebies
3. Books

Good manners stem from good communication, from a respect for the other person, and from an expectation that the graciousness will be returned. Manners affect encounters as simple as passing on a telephone message and as complex as negotiating a Christmas vacation schedule. Let's look at a few common ways that might help us navigate the tough steplife waters.

*"Please."* Yes, your house rules are critical, but a simple "please" softens your communication. "Please turn the music down," or even "Please take care of your chores now" doesn't make your requests any less valid. Just remember that everyone likes to feel he makes his own decisions, and even young kids can begin to learn the value of a quiet approach.

*"Thank you."* Gratitude is contagious. Be openly grateful for the little things your family members do for you, each other or the family (even if it's part of their chores or cleaning up their own messes). A simple "thank you" is recognition, evidence that you take the time to notice someone and appreciate her efforts.

*"Do you mind...?"* In a stepfamily, members often feel like they've lost control of much of their lives. Wherever you can, ask someone his opinion and then pay attention to it. Painting your stepdaughter's room may seem like a great idea to you, but she might think otherwise. Changing weekends with your stepkids' other parent may not be a problem for you, but she may have a commitment she can't reschedule. It's just a matter of realizing the world doesn't revolve around you.

*"I'm sorry about...."* Stepfamily members have "normal" problems just like everyone else. Notice when your stepkids have a bad day at school, break up with a boyfriend, feel depressed. Even if you can't help, you can express your concern. Offer to listen. Give advice if asked. Suggest a diversion. Nobody wants to feel alone.

*"I'm sorry for...."* And when you make a mistake, say so. Maybe you forgot about plans you made with your stepchild, lashed out at him in anger, or jumped to conclusions about an event. Maybe you said too much to your stepkids' other parent, lost your temper with your spouse, or behaved selfishly or without thought. Don't we all? Acknowledge your human side, ask forgiveness, and be genuine in your efforts to do better.

*"Can I help you?"* No man is an island, and certainly, no stepfamily member can make it alone, even if he's reluctant to ask for help. Recognize the challenges everyone around you is facing and offer to help where you can. Even little efforts are often greatly appreciated. And if your help is refused, your offers still make a contribution to the family.

*"No comment"* Sometimes the best words are no words at all. From the "if you can't say anything nice..." school of thought, simply keeping quiet can be the best -- and often hardest -- thing you can do. When your opinion won't benefit anyone, change anyone's mind, or help reach a solution, just keep it to yourself. You'll be amazed then how well your family will listen when you do have a comment you need to share.

Will courtesy and good manners work every time, make your family get along without one cross word? Of course not, but they won't cost you anything, either, and every time you model good manners, your stepkids see and learn. You'll also be able to sleep more peacefully knowing you did your part to build and encourage harmony and respect within your family. And yes, there's a disclaimer:

Sadly, in some stepfamilies, members don't speak, former spouses speak through lawyers, and kids use their energy to sabotage the remarriage and alienate their stepparent. It's hard to mind your manners in situations like that, but you can refuse to add to the fray. You can refuse to return anger with anger and instead, focus on what you can improve. That may only be your own disposition or view of the situation, but that's okay. Do what you can without doing more damage.

And please, do it with kindness :-)

~~~Keep your manners on their best behavior~~~

• Imagine a camera crew is videotaping you. Would that change your action or reaction?
  
• Keep a list of your manners, good and bad. Which column will be longer at the end of the day?
  
• Pay up for bad manners. Fine yourself a quarter for each infraction. How much money will you have after a month?
  
• Look in the mirror. If you're trying to decide what to say and how to say it, practice on yourself. How would you feel on the receiving end of your words?
  
• Give your manners a workout. Use them everywhere, at home, at work, with strangers. How can you make good manners a part of your personality?

The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends!

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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