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It's back-to-school time, and the kids are excited and possibly, a bit apprehensive. We can get a little scared about our lives, too, now and then, but we can get control of the situation if we look at our stepfamilies as a whole new course we've enrolled in permanently!
So whether you're a new transfer into steplife or a graduate student, you always need to be ready to learn, because difficult emotions and unexpected situations surface more than those dreaded pop tests. That's okay, if we take notes and let each issue prepare us for the next. If we'll pay attention every day, we'll learn how to recognize these eight stepfamily pitfalls, and we'll know how to avoid them.
Misdirected Anger. Our emotions are raw and our defenses are up a lot of the time in step-situations. When we lash out at the wrong person or blame the wrong person for another's deeds, we have to invest a lot of time and energy in cleaning up our mess. It's important to clarify who's responsible for what, and to take responsibility for our own actions that may have contributed to the problem.
Rigid Control. You may have the skills to run NASA with one hand tied behind your back, but I guarantee that you can't have the same control over your stepfamily. The more you try to hold it and form it into something you've decided is right, the more you'll lose your grip. Hold on less tightly, hold on longer.
Overstepping Boundaries. Your boundaries begin and end with what is yours and with what you can control. If you try to be all things to all people, you'll fail. Be the best stepmom you can be, and that's enough.
Nonexistent Boundaries. What is yours is the family you have now, and that family deserves privacy and respect from the family that came before it. You and your husband must protect your home by establishing and enforcing boundaries and limits. Your marriage is your haven.
Holding "visitation." Kids have two homes, not one they live in and one they "visit." When you treat kids as visitors, everything seems temporary -- their place in your home and their place in your heart. Home is where everyone lives, just some more than others.
Obsession with the Past. It's over. All mistakes are done. The past won't change. If you continue to look back with regret, you'll look forward with fear. Let history be a lesson, not a liability.
A One-Woman Show. Some relationships you can run by yourself, but it never works in a stepfamily. Don't take on all the responsibility for everything you see. Ask for help when and where you need it, and know that the best you can do is better when you do it with your spouse.
Missed Opportunities Every day is a new day. Look at everything around you as a chance. When you draw conclusions prematurely, make unfounded assumptions and dismiss others' efforts, you miss the chance to grow your stepfamily when you least expect it. Nothing follows a script in a stepfamily, so you have to be aware and open to the chances that, like butterflies, light upon you when you take the time to let them.
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More:
Your Free Cheat Sheet
How to Cook a Stepfamily
The Second Wives Club
The Parenting Toolbox
Avoiding the Six Predictors of Divorce
HOPE for a Great Life, Marriage & Family
Stepparenting at BellaOnline
Developing A Reflective Life In The Midst Of Turmoil
Ten Ways to Live in Creative "Flow"
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Announcements
- Christmas in September! Details are here about our 4-week course, Preparing Step by Step for the Holidays and how you can get a FREE copy of A Stepmom's Book of Prayer. Stay tuned!
- Do you have a "Greatest Summer Memory" about your family? One of our readers said that going on a vacation with her fiance and future stepdaughter was her best memory. And below, two of our subscribers talk about high points of their summer. Thanks for sharing, ladies!
My husband is a great father, but he lacks communication skills. His weekends with his children are not filled with vacations, trips or expensive toys. We are lucky to have the extra money to take them camping, and this year, we didn't even get to go. With that in mind, we decided to use his tax return to buy the children something to help with their boredom, out here in the country, which is a completely different form of lifestyle than what they are being brought up in.
We purchased a very large above ground swimming pool, and they all helped put it up. Normally their father is reserved and not very good with spending time with them. He does, as his dad did, just watch. After much coaxing, and begging, we talked him into swimming trunks. From the moment he dove in, I saw the most wonderful change come over those children, from normally withdrawn children to children full of innocent childish giggling, ringing through the tree tops!!! Their father felt the excitement, and pure contentment, and gave it HIS time, to relish in it for hours.
I am sharing this story for those dads that think spending the weekend with your children should be spent sitting on the couch watching t.v., or putting them to work, so they will be taught responsibilty. Children need to know, in this mixed-up world, that although responsibilty is important, it is also just as important to allow them to be KIDS. Laughter is a wonderful tool for erasing pain, sorrow and the inside wounds
that divorce can produce!
My husband ran into an old love of his over the summer -- Golf! It seems that his first wife didn't want him playing the game while they were married, so he sold his clubs. Over last winter, he once again purchased a set and spent some time at the driving range as the snow flew and the winds blew. As a treat for all of us, he bought me a set and both of his boys (ages 6 and 11) a set. It was going to be a family sport, we all hoped.
While I was at the office one day, my husband took both the boys to the driving range and then played nine holes. Our oldest, Josh, was a natural and fell in love with the game right away, following in his dad's shoes once again. Austin liked to hit the ball -- hard and couldn't understand why he had to be quiet and why he couldn't drive the cart. When I returned from work I asked the boys how their day went. They all agreed it was fun and wanted to go back again. I asked questions (that I already knew the answers to) like, how do you keep score? What do you mean the lowest score wins? Greens? How do you know where the greens are, the whole course is green?
When I asked our youngest, Austin, what the fairway was, he said, "It is when we take turns hitting the ball. Josh hits, Daddy hits and then I hit. That is the fair way." My husband and I thought it was so cute that we had to agree with him, that was the fair way. Out of the mouths of babes!!
- SPECIAL NOTICE. I appreciate those of you who enjoy our newsletter and want to share it with your online groups or in other ways. Please, though, remember that everything is copyrighted, and if you choose to post all or part of our newsletter, it's important that you include the name and address: The Stepparenting Journey, copyright Karon Goodman, http://karongoodman.com . Thank you!
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You know those open-book tests some teachers like to give? You always thought that would make it easier, but for some reason, it never did. And then some teachers would trick you by saying there was going to be a test so you'd study and then choose not to give you one! Well, I thought I'd add to the confusion and give you a "stepparent test." Just what you wanted, huh?
Oh, don't worry. This test is designed to be taken every night, just before bed, all by yourself. And like all good tests, it's designed to teach you, not to make you panic. None of us would regularly score 100 percent on this little quiz, but that's okay. The goal is to learn where our weaknesses are and discover ways to make our lives more peaceful and rewarding, stepfamily and all. Good luck, tonight and every night.
- Did I conduct myself with dignity and grace today?
- Did I do anything for which I need to apologize, and did I apologize sincerely?
- Did I learn anything new about my stepfamily today?
- Did I learn anything new about myself today?
- Did I give my mind time to think and censor my remarks before I opened my mouth?
- Did I take advantage of any chance to love and reach out to those around me?
- Did I give thanks for my blessings today?
- Did I contribute to any problems today, or did I seek resolution?
- Did I do something to get me closer to my steplife goals?
- Can I leave this day and all the others in the past and welcome tomorrow with excitement and promise?
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The Learning Curve
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I've decided where stepparenting falls on the list of next to impossible topics. It's harder than performing your own dental surgery and just slightly easier than raising the dead.
The Stepfamily Learning Curve is so steep it's almost concave, leaning us backward til we almost flip over before we can see the top of the next rise. Almost out of hope and faith, we sometimes just want to go back to where we started, too afraid of the challenge before us.
It's no wonder that we find this life so hard. Getting to the point of feeling confident and secure in your stepparent role is a big stretch because there are lots of schoolyard bullies and far too many rules that we usually don't understand. But there are a few ways to make it less of a struggle. I hope these help:
Throw away the report card. How well some other stepparent is doing is irrelevant to your situation. You can't be perfect in every category now or ever. Stop trying to grade yourself and spend more time just looking for ways to grow. You're after the "most improved stepparent" mark that you can give yourself every day, not all A's.
Get a tutor. Stepparenting is a skill, just like any other. Learn from others who have sailed these waters before you. Find support in person or online and draw from the shared experiences. Read and learn, ask questions and keep track of what works. No one knows all the answers -- and you're not expected to, either, but as in all things, information is power in stepfamilies, too.
Declare a lot of recess. You can't work all the time, at stepparenting or anything else. Take advantage of your "down time" and catch your breath. Not every situation has to be a lesson -- sometimes we just need to relax and play. Let your mind and body rest when you need it. Then you will be refreshed enough to focus on those things that matter most to you.
Kill the clock. There's no time limit on stepping. Class is in session as long as you keep inching your way over the curve. It's not a traditional curve, though, because the down side can be a little bumpy and there are dips that you can't foresee. But everything learned on the upside helps guide you through the rest, and it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to where you want to be.
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Even if we feel like we're in school all the time, that's okay. School is good. School invigorates our minds and keeps us young. When we know that handling our problems just means learning how, we can do that, one step at a time up that curve. There's nothing to be afraid of.
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