In This Issue: 1. Hearing "No!" -- From the Kids and From Their Mom
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-- From the Kids and From Their Mom | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Maybe in a perfect step-world one day, we'll never have to hear a "No!" from anyone. Peace and harmony will rule, and disagreements will vanish quicker than yummy Halloween candy. But in the meantime, we'll have to deal with those difficult negative responses we get all the time. Some of the 'no's' we get are serious and some are routine. Some we can fix and some we can't. Let's take a look at a few.
From your stepkids: "No, I won't accept you into my life." Well, that one hurts, doesn't it? Sometimes the kids who live this way are influenced by their mom and don't know any other way to behave. Sometimes they resist you on their own for a host of reasons that may have nothing to do with you. Since much of this kind of 'no' may be out of your control, you may only be able to say, "Okay, I'm here when you're ready." Continue to be honest and sincere and trust that the kids will one day be able to change their hearts to make room for you. "No, I won't do what you say." While this declaration can be hard to take, you do have a way of heading it off at the pass. When you and your husband establish some house rules, that makes your job simpler -- because you're just enforcing what's already in place. I know that sounds too easy, but it works where there are consequences for breaking the rules. Then if your stepchild chooses to break a rule, he chooses to deal with the consequences. Again, you're off the hook. Your home can't run well without some structure -- you and dad provide that with the limits you set for the kids. That sort of takes care of their 'no's' pretty well, huh? "No, I won't respect your privacy." Oh, they'd probably never say it that way, but some stepkids, innocently enough, don't realize the value of boundaries between their two homes. Some stepkids tend to divulge family business to their mom. This can be too much sharing for the stepmom's taste, and she quickly feels violated and betrayed. If you have some talkative stepkids, you'll need to be a little more careful about what they hear. Openly say to your husband "Let's not talk about this in front of the kids..." and remind each other regularly. Be careful to conceal documents, phone messages, mail -- anything that could tell other people more than you want them to know. Even when the information shared isn't that critical or personal, it still stings. Just learn to protect yourself. And from their mom: "No, I won't let my kids love you." Hopefully you're not facing this attack, but if you are, know that you don't have to fear it. While mom can poison the kids' minds against you for a while and her influence is legendary, you can sew your own seeds of trust in the time you have. Adapting to the situation means accepting it and working where you can. Children caught in this emotional hell don't need any more stress from you, so openly fighting with their mom won't help, and biting comments about her won't, either. Being the constant, unconditional source of strength and calm will. Give the kids some space and hold on until they are free to think for themselves. "No, I won't let you live your life without my interference." Some moms -- the minority -- seem bent on living for only one purpose: to make their ex-husbands' lives as miserable as possible. And lucky you -- you get to partake of the misery, too. Her methods may be custody battles, visitation hysterics, manipulation through the kids, harassing calls, lies or any number of other actions. Some stepparents have to resort to legal means to protect themselves. Others learn how to handle the overbearing mom and work around her actions. If you need legal help (restraining order, etc.), get it. If you can reason with the mom, more power to you. Often, though, your best bet is to set up some very clear boundaries that she can't cross. Carry someone with you if she's likely to cause a scene when you pick up the kids. Correspond with her in writing only (and keep copies). Counteract her lies with the truth, and let everyone make their own choice about what to believe. Insulate yourself from her intervention in the safety of your marriage, and give your heart a little much-needed peace. "No, I won't agree to what you want." Some parents can amicably work out arrangements to benefit each other when it means changing schedules or plans. Some can't. If the kids' mom won't agree to your request and she isn't legally bound to do so, there's not much you can do. You may improve your chances by asking earlier in the future. If what you're asking for is a compromise and she won't budge, you'll have to find a way around it. Sometimes married parents butt heads over certain issues, too, so your dilemma may just be a part of parenthood. Consider that possibility. See if you can alter your request to get a 'yes' by looking at the issue from her side. Finally, as in many other cases of stepparenting, do what you can with the options you have. "No, I won't sabotage your relationship with my kids, interfere with your life, question your judgment or bother you in any way." No, I didn't suddenly lose consciousness...it could happen. The fact is, there are lots of moms out there like that, and if you don't deal with one of them now, maybe she'll become one someday. To help the process along, model it for her: respect her place, tell the truth even if she doesn't, do what's best for the kids, and leave her alone. That's not too hard now, is it?
Try to remember that you can't fix everything and everyone. And a "no" just means that you'll have to be a little more creative in your responses. You'll have to work with what you have and do your best even when no one wants to help. Don't let the "no's" get you down -- you still have lots of choices. Make them count.
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Sometimes, we have to say "No!" too. It's not always convenient, but it's often necessary. You have to protect your sanity, your integrity and your well being no matter what. Here are a few of the objections you may have to raise. It's okay -- you can say "No!" with grace and poise.
Saying 'no' when you have to isn't about behaving like a spoiled brat. It's about structuring your life so that it's secure and productive. You have to make the choice about what you will accept and what you won't. And once you do, you can go on to all the other exciting choices in your life. Saying 'no' isn't an ending, it's a option for a better beginning. |
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