Pardon me while I'm on my soapbox a little this month. I normally read the paper and correct the grammar of the stories and let it go at that. But a while back, I was bothered by a "Dear Abby" column, and I responded on the site. My comment probably won't go any farther than that, but I wanted to share it with you.

That soapbox I stand on regularly is sort of an "it's not all a Cinderella story" one. I can't sit by when stepmoms are automatically seen as the "problem" in the family and the responsibility is theirs to fix everything. Perhaps you share my frustration.

Anyway, you can read the column I got so steamed up about here (scroll toward the bottom of the page). And I've posted below some of my response. I guess it just reiterates what I say to the stepmoms who write to me all the time -- you can't control the world, just your little part in it. Here's my rant to Abby:

I normally admire your advice, but you blew it with “Ashamed in the South,” the stepmom who worried about not loving her stepkids. Shame on YOU! The fact that her stepkids are “great” to her and that she will “do anything for them” puts her way ahead of many stepmom/stepchild relationships. That is something wonderful to build on!

Stepmoms often want everything to be so perfect in their new marriages that they feel tremendous guilt and shoulder all the blame when it isn’t perfect. And instead of trying to help this woman, you condemned her further! You said “unless you are willing to work on those feelings, YOU (emphasis mine) will cause conflict and hurt in your household.” You should have told her to relax and give herself a break.

This stepmom has more to be grateful about than most, and she has nothing to feel guilty about. That guilt, common to many stepmoms who are faced with a life they never imagined, can destroy their self-esteem and kill their hopes for a happy family – and comments from outsiders who place all the blame on them for the “conflict” only hurts.

Letting go of that guilt is crucial, and yes, a therapist can help – “Ashamed” doesn’t HAVE to feel love for those kids right now, today, to have a good relationship with them and to help her family grow – she just needs to take her complicated life one day at a time, learn from her mistakes and build on her successes.

Your final comment that “you’re not their mother, and that’s all you ever can be” is a bit hateful and limiting. Most stepmoms have no intention or desire to take the place of their stepkids’ mom, but there is much they can be in their stepkids’ lives. You make what remains outside “real” motherhood sound distasteful and pitiful. You’re wrong. I’m not my stepsons’ mom, but I think I’m more to them than a sad afterthought. I’ve worked through lots of guilt and mistakes and complications in my own complex life – the kind of condemnation you spouted never helped, but it did help to stop beating up on myself so much. I hope “Ashamed” can do that, too.

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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