Q. What are my rights?

A. Uh, you don't have any. Legally, that is. A doctor or police officer or teacher can legally give you no more information or allow you no more privileges regarding your stepkids than if you were a stranger. You need a legally prepared document to act as a guardian for your stepchild if you run up on a by-the-book type public servant. So if you're solely responsible for your stepkids much of the time or their parents are routinely unavailable, you might want to check with an attorney about this situation.

Q. Ok, what are my rights at home?

A. Well, that's easier. You have lots of rights as a stepmom, and don't be afraid to claim them! You have the right to respect from your stepkids -- they don't have to love you, but you are a caring parent figure in their lives and deserve their respect. You have the right to your privacy -- no one has to know your personal business and if someone gets too nosey with their questions, you don't have to answer. Tell them I said it was ok :-) You have the right to your time and space -- taking care of yourself is really not a luxury -- it's a requirement for survival.

Q. Got it. Now, what are my responsibilities?

A. This might take a while... Just kidding. Being the stepmom can feel like a never-ending job, and it's definitely demanding, but your responsibilities are really quite basic: protect and care for the kids, do what's right even when others don't, and even if the Tasmanian Devil has you in a chokehold, say only positive things to your stepkids about their mom. Now, don't you feel better about all you have to do?

Q. How can I make my husband understand how I feel?

A. I don't know, but if you can figure it out and bottle it, you'll be one rich woman. Perhaps because we're just wired differently and look at the world differently, our husbands will probably never fully understand how we feel about all that happens in our lives (I know I'll never get the way my husband's mind works...). But we can help things along by being direct and unambiguous. When we communicate as clearly and precisely as we can about how we feel -- in as few words as humanly possible -- we leave less room for error and our message doesn't get lost in emotion. Finally, make no apology for how you feel -- we just feel what we feel and it's not right or wrong -- and ask your husband to help you deal with it in a positive way. Give him a job to do and he'll understand a bit better.

Q. Ok, now I have a question for you: what's the difference between stepmothering and performing your own heart bypass surgery?

A. Give up? You have at least some chance of success in performing your own surgery. Funny, huh? Ok, ok, I'm only teasing. You most likely wouldn't make it past the incision... Seriously, your stepmothering success is measured in many ways that only you can define and count. Some days, for me, I call it a success if I don't offend or upset anybody (those are usually the days I don't see anybody...). Other days are pure Oprah quality when I get it all right. Most days fall somewhere on the long continuum in between.

But you know what? Each and every day, I learn a little bit more about myself and get to make an improvement here and there. And I figure that's pretty much a success. Some days I even discover the answers to a few questions. And as long as I'm still looking for the answers instead of being afraid to ask the questions, that's success. Won't you join me?

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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