In This Issue: 1. Using What You Have
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It's easy to get discouraged when you're a stepparent in the trenches, struggling and questioning and hurting. Because you know not everything that starts out as permanent stays that way, it can be hard to trust the strength of your life now since the life before it didn't survive. It's hard to scare away those fears of defeat when you've already met them face to face. And yet a large part of your family's health and longevity is linked to your decision to make it so. Fear can have no place when you choose to carry on, using what you have to build what you want.
We have to find, claim and use all the resources available to us, and that's a lot because they all start from within. Identify what you need, and then reach for it deep inside. I promise you it's there, because you're stronger than you think. Boldness. You can't be intimidated by anything. A fussy ex-wife or a rebellious stepchild cannot push you any farther than you allow. You must not equate boldness with selfishness or greed. To be bold means to clarify and articulate what is essential in your life, and then figure out a plan to get and protect it. To pursue the career you want requires boldness. To pursue your faith requires boldness. To live the stepmom life you want requires boldness, too. You'll have to strengthen your boundaries and cling to your integrity, trust your heart and stand your ground. You have that boldness within you because you've used it elsewhere, and you'll never run out. Now, choose to use it well for this role, too, and don't be afraid of anyone. Reason. We learn over time to temper our emotions with reason. We learn to look at things with a more balanced eye -- and we lose a little patience with those who refuse to do the same (or maybe that's just me!). Our own sense of reason, though, helps us think before we speak, helps us apply a little empathy to situations before we place blame, and helps us cut to the heart of a matter by ridding it of too much emotion. Sometimes we need to look at things from a strictly "cause and effect" basis -- it gives us some distance and might open our eyes to things we've missed. When we pause and use our own common sense to find the best starting (or starting over) point, we often find that we've made something into far more than it is or has to be. Taking a more reasoned approach to our problems is something we can do all by ourselves, and sometimes we can save ourselves from those unpleasant interactions that ensue when we let our emotions, reasonable or not, rule the show. Success. We all want to be great at this role, don't we? And as they say, "Nothing succeeds like success." But there's no one standing at the door at the end of the day to give us a status report, to grade us, or, heaven forbid, to stick a gold star on our forehead. But maybe it's better this way -- we are the ones who decide what success means to us. Your husband may not understand some of your struggles (or be able to appreciate your victories), and your stepkids may miss some of your efforts and sacrifices for them, but that's out of your control. What is yours, though, is the ability to choose your own yardstick and measure your success by your own heart. That's the only way we can carry on when the outside markers don't validate us as often as we need it. That's why we must choose our own definition of success, decide how we'll achieve it, and then follow that course with boldness and reason. That is a power you have right now, the chance to change course if the one you're on is bringing you more failure than success, the chance to reach your stepmom goals at your pace with dignity and peace.
You have within you all the resources you need to live and love your role as stepmom. Never let anybody tell you that you don't. Start today to rely on everything you are to become everything you want to be.
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Sometimes we focus too much of our step-mindfulness on what we don't have, and we let anger and resentment and lack of control rule our hearts and lives. There's a better way. When we choose to adapt to what we don't have instead of complain about it, we reframe everything into something we can manage. Here's a new way to frame a few of the things we're all lacking.
We don't have a lot of things, but we have the most important thing -- the right to choose what we'll do with what we have. That's enough. |
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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(For reprint permission, please contact me.) |