"Even though she still barely acknowledges my presence and will rarely speak to me directly; I treat her with respect and good manners. It actually throws her off guard a bit. I decided that this is MY home, and I will not be made to feel imtimidated or uncomfortable, so I set the tone for the exchange the way I want it to go. She may continue to be rude and stand-offish, but I know I can be proud of my behavior." Stepmom Laurie "This Kwiktip really helped me and I got it from another stepmom who has stepkids who visit, and my stepkids do not live with me as well. She said 'Always have an OPEN DOOR policy when it comes to the kids.' Even though it was so simple, it released a lot of stress for me from anticipating when the kids MIGHT arrive...so now I am somewhat prepared whenever they do arrive...unexpectally...so I am always prepared for them and then I will have a smiling face instead of a confused face, which might not as welcoming and accepting." Stepmom Jeanne Remember : Nobody understands us like other stepmoms, and we learn best from each other. If you have a KwikTip for easing the stress of steplife, please pass it on to me here, and I'll post it. Thanks!
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Here we are again at that tricky holiday that shows up every year: Mother's Day. How will you celebrate? Or will you celebrate at all? Is the day a time of joy for you or do you want to strike it off the calendar? I hope your stepkids remember you with the love and generosity you deserve, and I want to add a little gift to you from me.
I can't send this gift in the mail and it doesn't cost a cent. We all need it, but we each need to make it our own. I hope this gift of release brightens your day and lasts for many more.
Release the responsibility. A stepmom wrote to me recently with a not so uncommon concern. Because of some issues with her stepkids and their mom, her husband was visiting the kids away from the home. The specifics don't matter, it's her sadly misguided thought I want to tell you about.
She was upset because her husband couldn't see his kids like before "because of her," but that responsibility wasn't hers. She was taking on more of the problem that she had to, and she was hurting deeply. Sure, there's usually plenty of stuff we can blame on ourselves, but we should stop there. We can release the responsibility that isn't ours and then more effectively focus on what is.
Release the expectation. We expected great things when we birthed our stepfamilies, and that's great. Nothing good starts as a bad idea. But sometimes we can add an expectation of others that only makes things tougher -- expecting them to make us happy or make our lives easier. As wonderful as that would be, expecting it and then being upset when it doesn't happen just keeps us in a sad, angry, damaging cycle. Making us happy is nobody's job but our own.
When we put that expectation on our own shoulders, we eliminate a whole dynamic of relationships that make them harder. If I expect my stepkids' mom to take my feelings into consideration before she makes plans and then she doesn't, I'll just be mad or hurt. If I expect her to thank me for my efforts and she doesn't, I'll just be mad or hurt again. But if I do what I want and need to do for my family regardless of her choices, then I've released a lot of anger or hurt before it ever comes to pass. I'm not saying we shouldn't expect the best of others and help them to manifest it, but we protect ourselves and help build our relationships when we don't put this expectation on others. It's amazingly liberating for us when we realize the power is ours.
Release the pessimism. I know this one's hard, especially when we're hit with so many things that don't work. But giving in to the pessimism never solved anything. So we can reframe it a bit, we can think goals, not problems. Then we look at our difficult situations in a new way, and suddenly, the outlook isn't so grim.
If your stepkids are invading your privacy and relaying personal information to mom, you can look at it as a fault of theirs (which granted, it is), but you'll just get more angry the more you think about it that way. If you turn the problem into a goal -- guarding your private life -- then you'll be calmer and able to think of steps to take on your own to protect yourself, things over which you have control and which don't rely on their participation or agreement. I'm sure you know of other situations outside your steplife where you can reframe your thinking and feel more in control, too.
Release the throttle. This one is real important. I crashed a motorcycle the other day. No need to worry, I wasn't hurt except for the bruise on my leg the size of a toaster oven, but that's okay, the tree stump broke my fall. But I digress. I crashed because I kept rolling the throttle even though I wanted to stop. I kept doing the same thing when I wanted a different response. How often do we do that?
If yelling at my stepkids doesn't get me what I want, why do I keep doing it? If answering their mom's phone calls upsets me, why do I keep doing it? If involving myself in my stepkids' lives despite their rejection hurts me, why do I keep doing it? If anything I do just runs me into a tree stump, why do I keep doing it? What are you always fighting the same battle about, the same way? Think about the situations in which you keep butting heads with someone, and release the throttle on your own unproductive behavior. There's always a better way.
We can apply these and other facets of the gift of release in many areas of our steplife. We can let go of less productive things and choose more productive ones. We can see that becoming a calmer, less stressed stepmom has as much to do with what we let go of as with what we hold tightly. The key is in knowing the difference. Happy Mother's Day to you :-)
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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