A stepmom wrote to me recently because she wanted to forge a relationship with her stepchildren's mom. Seems like a reasonable request, doesn't it? The problem was that the mom had never met or really even acknowledged her, so the stepmom was a little hesitant to extend a hand in friendship. Maybe you can relate.

Perhaps one of the hardest relationships to build in a steplife is the one between the "moms." Often one or the other won't be willing, usually because of lingering resentment or insecurity. The fact remains, though, that the moms will be in each other's lives, despite their feelings, so their relationship can be strained and stressful or -- hopefully -- respectful and cooperative. Our reader was hoping for the latter, and if you are, too, I hope these tips will help.

Go slow. You know the adage, fools rush in...and all that. Trying to reach out to your stepkids' mom is admirable and mature, but be careful. She may not have the same inclination, and if you come on too strong, she might see you as threatening and pushy. Too much, too soon will only create debris in your way as you learn to walk the delicate balance between eager and overbearing.

Lower your expectations. Even if your stepkids' mom is willing to meet you in the middle, she may not be interested in a friendship of any kind. She may be civil enough and create a minimum of interference in your life, and that may be as good as it gets. Many stepmoms would be quite happy with that, so realize at the beginning that you can only get as far as she'll go.

Protect yourself. Some stepmoms find that their stepkids' mom is not above lying or misrepresenting what the stepmom has said or done. If you're the least bit afraid that your efforts will be misconstrued, tred carefully. Perhaps send an email instead of making a phone call so that you have a written record of exactly what you said. Or if you plan to see mom in person, don't go alone. Have a witness with you to also hear what you say. I know these precautions sound awful when you're trying to create a bond, but it can take a long time for a stepmom to recover from a mom's bitter assaults. I don't want you to get hurt.

Keep it simple. If you do summon the courage to reach out to mom, start small. Try meeting for a cup of coffee before inviting her to Thanksgiving dinner. Join with her in working on a project for your stepchild's class before teaming up for a joint birthday party. Invite her to your home only if you feel secure enough in your relationship to open yourself up like that. And only respond to ideas or invitations from her that you feel comfortable with.

Remember who she is. Even if you and your stepkids' mom forge a friendship, honor some limits. She's not the person to complain to about your husband. She's not the person to talk to about your in-laws. Together, all parents should be able to discuss issues about the kids, but again, keep the discussions constructive and not destructive.

Go slow. I know, this is where we started, but it's critical. Building any kind of lasting relationship will take lots of patience, a firm commitment, and the ability to forgive. Even in the best of situations, you'll find yourself at odds with mom sometimes, and it'll feel like two steps forward, three steps back. Be ready for that and don't let it get you down. Just keep plugging through things slowly, realizing that what you're working toward is worth the time and trouble. Good luck!

The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends!

I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here.

'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
Send me Email.