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Stepping Out Like a Lamb
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Disrespectful stepkids. Kids who don’t respect their stepparents do so when their parents allow it. So any angry response you’re having toward your stepkids should begin with your spouse. Respect for you as a parent figure means honoring your place in the family and your authority. The kids learn that by what their parent teaches them and by how you treat them. Wildly attacking your spouse’s kids or his performance as a parent won’t get you the results you want. Let him see exactly what’s happening for himself by letting the examples of the disrespect you object to speak for themselves. Then you don’t have to roar, but you can offer constructive alternatives instead.

Secondly, your part is two-fold. All of us, children included, want to be treated kindly, trusted and understood. Do your best to offer that kind of respect to your stepkids. And trust your own authority – if you don’t believe you have a right to be respected as an adult and parent in the house and to enforce the rules of your home, your stepkids won’t, either. And it doesn’t mean you have to be a bully. Ease your way through this part of stepparenting, and remember – the louder we get, the less anyone listens. You can accomplish all you need without sounding like thunder. * * * You may find some extra help here.* * *

The interfering mom. We throw a fit like a tornado when our stepkids’ mom tries to overstep her boundaries into our new family. A husband who doesn’t recognize the threat is like oxygen to a fire, and we explode. The lion in us sees danger to our happiness, a blast from the past with our destruction her goal. Well, maybe. Even if you’re right and your stepkids’ mom is out to get you, the tornado fit won’t solve anything.

Try to assess the potential for harm. Is her behavior a need for a full-blown warning, or will a watch do? Find out why your husband isn’t concerned. Have you let your own feelings of insecurity magnify mom’s actions? If you do feel she’s threatening your home, write down those concerns, along with what you expect will happen if she does this or that. Protect yourself, but don’t launch a full-scale attack. Watch things for a while, see if the threat is getting closer or backing away. Keep a record of the level of peace in your home when you calm down and look at any outside interference objectively. Claim your place in your new family by working to create the home you want and trusting your husband and yourself to be strong and calm despite all that happens outside. * * * You may find some extra help here.* * *

Desperation. A cry common among stepmoms, new or experienced, is “It’s too much – I can’t do this anymore!” The desperation that leads to the storm can make for some pretty hostile conditions. Stepmoms often recoil, in search of a shelter, or they lash out at everything, hoping to prevent any more pain. The result is a marriage in trouble and a heart about to break. When we feel desperate, we feel out of control, as if everybody else is in charge of our lives and we have no say. That feeling can make us kick and scream, inside and out. That’s when it’s time to regroup, to respond with a plan.

Try to respond to your aching heart with logic. You do have much control over your life, and you can regain some composure by exercising that control. Look for little ways first – beginning with your reactions. You can rant and rave, or you can address the next crisis with calm. You can hide your feelings, or you can be honest and trust your husband with them. You can let your insecurity make you behave in a petty, selfish manner, or you can start where you are today to make your marriage stronger by believing in it. You can live in the pain of the past, or you can prepare for a better future and do one small part to make it happen. Maybe you can’t continue with things the way they are now – that’s ok. Just be ready to offer some solutions. Speak up for what you need and outline a few ways to get there. Make a plan to attack your desperation -- hiding in the storm pit won't help. * * * You may find some extra help here.* * *

Well, the weather can change in a day or a month, but of course, you can’t change your whole family dynamics so quickly, but you have to start somewhere. Making up your mind to choose to make things better or worse is a great first step. If you choose to make things better, you won’t get an instant miracle, but you will regain some of that valuable control over your life you need and have more peace and fewer storms. Little actions add up to big accomplishments. * * * You may find some extra help here.* * *

To help you create the peaceful feeling you want, for yourself and your family, here’s something to start with. This “action a day” calendar for the rest of the month doesn’t look like much, but it’s a beginning. Try it. Then keep up the practice of at least one positive action a day, and you’ll get closer and closer to the family and the peace you want. Good luck :-)

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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