In This Issue: 1. Change of Seasons
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Finally, f-i-n-a-l-l-y, I can begin to believe that spring will indeed come again. My frozen bones can hardly wait. And as dependable as the seasons, our families change, too. There is no stagnation, no resting on your laurels (or prolonged attack from them, whatever they are). There is only adapting, discovering and waiting.
Adapting. Coats in the winter, sunscreen in the summer. We adapt. It's what we do. And when our family life is inclimate, we adapt. It's what we do. Adapting to the moods of your stepkids, the demands of their mom, the complications of a disjointed life -- it's enough to make you want to hibernate! But that's not possible. Fortunately though, you do have a couple options to help you adapt to the temperature extremes.
Discovery. Every summer, we forget how good a hot bowl of soup tastes and how soft those fuzzy pajamas feel while the winds howl outside. Then every winter, that warmth and comfort is like a new discovery. Learning to appreciate those kinds of discoveries in our steplives helps us weather the new and recurring hotspots, too. It's a matter of recognition and reverence.
Waiting. We can all agree that we don't like to wait, but we have to. I can't get summer here any faster no matter how much I wish I could. I'll just have to wait. It's the same with our families. We can't hurry along what we can't control. We'll just have to wait. And with seasons or stepfamilies, we can work and we can watch while we wait.
No matter what's going on in your life right now, it's sure to change, one way or the other. And you're not a victim or a bystander. You can do what you can where you are now to prepare for the changes to come. Do your part to make the changes good ones, and learn how to manage the not so good ones. You don't have to be afraid of change, just prepared. Happy Spring :-)
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There is nothing as hurtful as rejection from a child, especially from one which you are so desperately trying to gain a common ground with, as in a stepchild. There is no natural bond like with a parent. Usually you are fighting an up hill battle and the child is resisting you every step of the way, not knowingly and not intentionally. Yes, they want to be loved. But does that mean they are betraying the birth parent? If I let this new person in will there be enough room for both, and am I closing the door on the other? Kids wrestle with these feelings everyday in a blended family. Just who are all these people trying to raise me and why am I here? Why can’t I just live with Mom and Dad? Life would be so much easier. I would know who to be true to. It can be very confusing for the kids and the parents. What can you do? Best advice anyone has ever given me…..Take yourself out of it, it’s not always about you. And be patient. Ali needed a new ladder for her bunk bed. The white metal tubes hurt her feet when she climbed up it. I know this is true because I have to drag myself up to the top bunk every night to give the good night kiss ritual. John, her Dad, made a great effort some months ago by screwing some small little pieces of wood into the tubes, but it didn’t hold up. Slowly the wooden stairs were breaking off leaving the screws exposed, ouch. It could have been me dragging my butt which rest assured is probably over the weight limit for the little tube ladder , never mind the home made wooden stairs attached to them. As in everything else, let's blame MOM. Ali kept insisting that she would take it back to Dad to have him fix it. Off she goes to Dad’s house for the weekend and the ladder was still hanging from her bed with the broken metal pieces hanging from it. Mike, her Stepdad, who is a wonderful carpenter, took charge and made her a new wooden ladder. He spent an entire Saturday cutting, nailing and sanding. He put his heart and soul into the ladder. I was so impressed. After seeing what great work he did I began to wonder why the banister in our entrance way has been broken since we moved in. I’m not buying into the "old shoemaker's soles always have holes" theory. He’ll be busy next weekend fixing that. The ladder came out perfect. I just knew Ali would love it, what a wonderful thing he did. WRONG! Ali came home from the weekend with Dad, took one look at the ladder and started to cry. “But Mom, I wanted Dad to fix it.” I stood there frozen, stuck in the middle of the emotions of the two of them. Ali in tears and what I thought was Mike’s broken heart. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to comfort Ali while I watched as Mike walked away. Later I tried to comfort Mike, but there was no need. He suspected that Ali would have the reaction she did. He was prepared for it but deep down inside he hoped she wouldn’t. He knew that she really wanted her Dad to do it but put himself in harms way, unconditionally. He held his composure and kept a stiff upper lip, even when explaining to his daughter Monica why Ali seemed to be ungrateful. A similar situation had occurred when I had made her Halloween costume. She longed for it to be her Mother's creation and not mine. When he reminded her of that, she comforted him by saying “Oh yeah, Papa, don’t worry. It’s not about you, it’s about the divorce.” It was that situation that made me see just how brave he is. He is a firefighter and is a hero to many. He climbs ladders on many occasions to save people’s lives, but to climb a ladder and reach out to a child that you know may not want to be saved by you is what bravery is all about. Yes, it’s easier to keep your feet on the ground and your arms tightly clenched across your chest. Without reaching out you can almost guarantee you won’t get hurt, but then there is no room to grow. You, the adult, must make the first move. Kids don’t know how, but eventually they will learn from you that they are safe. And their arms will begin to uncross and open. There are many ladders to climb and bridges to cross when building bonds with your step children. You need to be brave enough to climb the ladder and have the endurance to cross the bridges, no matter how muddy the waters may be below. And when your legs hurt from climbing and your boots are covered in mud, just remember: you are making a difference in a child’s life. They may not appreciate it now by as the years pass by they will “GET IT.” After having a Stepdad for 27 years now, I finally “GOT IT.” It didn’t take quite 27 years, but now that I am a stepparent I can truly appreciate all the ladders he has climbed and bridges he has crossed. I never realized how tired my Stepdad’s legs were until I took a walk in his muddy boots. Now there’s the perfect Father’s Day gift for him, a new pair of clean boots!
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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