When we stop looking at ourselves as if we're naked on the lawn, we can look at what else is going on. Most likely, it's not about us. Most likely, we can shed the persecution attitude, move on to something more productive, and even offer a bit of encouragement along the way. Let's look at a few examples.

Summertime overload. Maybe you'll have your stepkids with you more this summer, and if they're young and like lots of other kids, they might get bored or irritable and display some less than cherry attitudes. It's not about you, but you can help. You can help yourself bt not taking their gruff comments personally and by realizing it's not your job to entertain them. You can help yourself by keeping on track with your personal goals and not letting yourself get distracted by the summer's unusual schedule. You can help them by being pleasant even when they're not and by modeling for them a fun "there's always plenty to do" attitude. You can help them by using the time to get to know them better and inviting them into your plans whenever they're interested.

The cute green-eyed monster. I hear from lots of stepmoms who deal with jealousy -- often it's of their cute little stepchildren who take over dad when they're around. The stepmoms feel invisible, like they've lost their husband's time and attention and place in his heart. If that's you, your jealousy is understandable, of course, because nobody wants to feel unwanted, and your stepkid's behavior is even understandable, too. It's not about you, but you can help. You can help yourself by remembering that your marriage is what makes the stepfamily a family -- nobody can take your place. You can help yourself by fostering and enriching *all* of the relationships in your home, even if that means stepping aside for just a moment now and then. It's ok. You can help your family by seeing if you're contributing to your stepchild's feelings, and if so, allow yourself to change. You can help your family by demonstrating your own security so that others can use it as a guide to deepen their own.

Kids gone wild. Apparently, judging from my mail, kids who think they're in charge is a not so uncommon problem among stepfamilies. It's a big problem in any family, but the effects are lightning quick to surface in a stepfamily. If your stepkids are out of control, mom and dad are responsible, and now you're living with it. It's not about you, but you can help. You can help yourself by remembering that your objective view is just that, objective and not tinged with a parent's outlook -- and that's not a defense of the parent, just an observation. You can help yourself by focusing on your one-on-one contact with your stepkids and standing up for your values there no matter what. You can help your family by establishing with your husband some house rules so that everyone is on the same page and peace reigns (at least after all the kicking and screaming is over). You can help your family by being the stable voice of reason and consistency when everyone else is failing and by being brave enough to be the parent when no one else will.

Mom interference. Some stepmoms have to deal with a mom who acts as if the world will stop spinning if she doesn't mark her territory every 15 minutes. That kind of interference interrupts life in your household and keeps the kids on edge, wondering how to respond. It's not about you, but you can help. You can help yourself by realizing it's mom's problem and you're just collateral damage. You can help yourself by paying more attention to the life in your home and less to her behavior, reminding yourself that you can do much inside your family and that's what counts. You can help everyone by respecting her place so that everyone knows it, and maybe one day a little of your security will rub off on her. You can help everyone by letting them deal with her in their own way without forcing your way on them.

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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