In This Issue: 1. A New Rule
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I don't mind the laundry stacked eight miles high every day, but the dishes were getting to me. It wasn't the double-sink full after each meal that was so bad, but the continuous pile of cereal bowls and ice cream bowls and cups and glasses my son and two stepsons created was too much. I'd wash everything, take a breath, and then like those trick birthday candles that keep re-lighting, the sink would mysteriously fill up again. I knew the summer would only make things worse, so it was time for action.
We now have a new rule at our house -- everybody washes his own cereal bowls and ice cream bowls and cups and glasses. I have one of those plastic cylinders that holds dish detergent and has a sponge on the end. That's my new favorite tool -- it fits everyone's hands. And to my surprise, my boys haven't even complained too much about using it. Maybe you'd like to try my new rule at your house? Or maybe there's something else you want to address that would make your summer -- or your life -- a little easier. Think about some simple changes you could introduce to your family today. To get you started, here are a few tips for establishing a new rule: It's a fact, not a suggestion. If you want your family to follow the new rule, they need to see it as more than a wimpy wish on your part. You don't have to be uncaring or mean in your announcement, but you do need to make it clear the rule is a "done deal" not open for negotiation. Make it fair. Rules work best when they apply to everyone equally, whether they live in the home full-time or not. If you have little ones who can't physically carry out part of the rule, adjust it for them, but keep responsibility fair to everyone. That makes enforcing the rule easier, and kids can't resent something that applies to everyone. Make it clear. Be sure everyone understands the new rule and knows what it means to comply. I demonstrated for my boys how to use our new little tool -- overkill perhaps, since they're all practically grown -- but no one can say he doesn't understand how, when and where to follow the rule. Close up the loopholes. As a corollary to our preceding tip, be sure the "rules of the rule" are spelled out well. If your bunch is anything like mine, they'll look for ways around any new requirement. My boys started with the questions right away. "Unless I'm standing knee-deep in dishwater, do your own," I told them. Maybe you can relate to the need for this tip ;-) Be grateful. When your family complies with your new rule, tell them you appreciate it. Tell them they're doing a good job, and if they need a few reminders, give them with grace and a smile.
Pretty soon, your new rule will just become part of the pattern of your home (at least that's what I hope happens with my latest). And then you can choose something else that needs improvement, establish another new rule, and bring a little more peace to your life. Good luck to us all!
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I'm Not Your Kid -- A Christian's Guide to a Healthy Stepfamily by Kay Adkins Baker Books, 2004 To me, grace means being able to belong to someone, and belong in some place, no matter what. Grace, in spite of the fact that we've blown it and blown it, won't be snatched away. "Belonging" happens more naturally in an intact family than it does in a stepfamily. In an intact family the children literally do belong to the parents, and the parents to the children. Nothing can be done to extract a parent's genes from a child. In an intact family, no precedent has been set that any family member can ever 'not' belong. But in stepfamilies, one parent has no blood relationship with a child. The facts that:
all mean that stepfamilies must demonstrate lots of grace for an atmosphere of "belongingness" to be created in their homes. Unfortunately, those same facts often cause us to do just the opposite. As a stepmom, I stayed angry at myself a lot because I seemed to correct, criticize, and condemn so much more naturally than I could edify, empathize, and extol. When stepchildren (or stepparents) lack a sense of belonging, they may resort to pushing out, or putting down other family members to strengthen their own place in the family. The threatened person typically pushes back - a vicious cycle. So what can be done to help everyone feel like they belong? How should grace be received and dispensed in stepfamilies? Here are some ideas: Nurture Belongingness Spouse to Spouse Remarried couples often feel so torn by their circumstances that marital solidarity seems beyond reach. So it is even more critical for remarried couples to make time to focus on each other, to hear each other's hearts, and to enjoy being together. To maintain a solid, unified marriage through grace:
These are a few ways that spouses can assure each other that they "belong" even if others are trying to pull them apart. Nurture Belongingness Adult to Child Children in stepfamilies desperately need to know they are accepted unconditionally. Whatever the family history has been, they need to know their future is yet to be written and has the potential for great and wonderful things. When you don't live with your own kids, it takes more creativity to instill in children that solid sense of acceptance. Stepparents have the difficult task of maintaining an attitude of acceptance in spite of the mood swings and possible sabotage efforts of their step kids. The challenge for parents and stepparents will be to find ways to consistently communicate that message of acceptance to counter hurts and fears and let children know they can belong. Here are a few suggestions:
Just like we have the choice to belong (or not to belong) to God's family, each family member ultimately must choose whether to belong (or not to belong) to a stepfamily. But as God extends his offer to belong until we die, so parents and stepparents can continue to offer that unmerited grace to belong. [Used by permission of Baker, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright (c) 2004. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Warmly,
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