Last month in our newsletter, Stepmom Natalie shared part of her life and what she's learned in this role none of us ever expects to play. She reveals even more of herself and her struggles and triumphs this month, and we have the conclusion of her story now. I know you'll identify with many of Natalie's feelings as she speaks from the unique heart of a stepmom -- the place we all know so well. Here's where we left off last month:

"We all worked so hard at it that soon, when the third summer came around, and I had my first ever panic attacks in June because we were going to get the kids in July, I began to get tired of working so hard to have fun . . . ."

"In fact, the every-other-weekend-planning-your-whole-life-around-the-kids'-schedule-and-the-divorce-decree got to be a real pain! We spent our lives living from weekend to weekend, and I was feeling like we had no marriage of our own. I was beginning to wonder if I had married my husband or his ex, because it seemed to me she always determined what we did.

"I was tired of always trying to bend over backwards to make it work, so that we could stay a part of the kids' lives. And she was never kind with her criticism of my parenting skills -- I was accused of being a witch, because I enjoyed Harry Potter and using the kids’ toothbrushes when they weren’t around to brush my dog’s teeth.

"I felt so separate and alone with only biological families and never any 'tainted' ones like ours around me. The worst was having the kids on a visitation and having to take them to the doctor or some other appointment their mom had arranged for us, and feeling like a second class citizen, being questioned by office staff about who I was and if I had the right to receive their privileged medical information.

"I was hungry for balm for my hurting soul – the kind of help only other stepmoms can give you. Because there was a true lack of stepmother role models in my life, the place I turned to was the Internet and other stepmoms. I read articles posted on The Second Wives Club, and The Stepparenting Journey, and printed them to read and reread later.

"My poor husband did not know what hit him when I announced that I had had enough and after three years of trying to be the orchestrator of the household fun schedule, it was now all up to him. He was in shock, of course, and never knew that I had read the 'detaching' article and absorbed that good advice very well.

"Another piece of advice I found on the Internet, when I absorbed it, truly freed me from the burden I had placed on my soul. That advice was this: as a stepmom, you cannot torture yourself with feeling guilty for how your stepkids turn out. You have very little control over that, genetically, behaviorally, or any other way, because you are not their biological parent. And when it’s all said and done, you are not going to have to answer to God for them, only for what you didn’t do for them when you could have helped them.

"I should have learned it when I learned the part about not trying to replace their biological parent, but I didn’t. Once I finally realized that I could not change what was to be, no matter how hard I tried – that all I could do is a little bit here and there to 'make it better' -- I broke down and cried. I had been literally stressing myself and everyone around me, worrying if I was doing the right or wrong things, and how it was going to affect these little girls I had grown to love.

It was easy to fall into this trap. After all, there are so many things the therapist told us we couldn’t do or say, especially regarding their mom. I was a wreck. But the truth is, they are her kids, not mine. And they are my husband's kids, not mine. He is responsible for working things out with their mother to do what’s right by his kids, not me. I don’t have to deal with her unless I choose to, for the kids’ sake.

"I am the extra icing on their cake – the BONUS MOM!! I'm the extra special one that they don’t have to be obligated to, that they can like for who I am, without all those expectations attached to me. If they flunk out in chemistry, it’s OK to tell me, because I‘m not counting on them getting into Harvard. I can tell them it’s OK, and 'Wow, that does really hurt when you try and fail, but it’ll be OK tomorrow, and oh – by the way – you are still loved! So go tell your Dad and ask him to help you study ‘cause you know, he had trouble with that in high school too!' Not only do I get to love them unconditionally, but I can tell them the truth. I can be for them what my special Aunt Lo was for me – she helped me learn to see my parents for who they really are, just people, with good parts and bad parts.

"I think it's true of most people that we truly learn what we need to learn only when we are truly ready to learn it. I was not able to see how wonderful my life could truly be as a stepparent, because I could not get those picket fence dreams out of my head. I've learned those images are actually pretty shallow compared to the real thing.

I had stood by my husband and fought against what was, and is, a terrible wrong for so long. I could not see what getting it right would look like. And worst of all, I allowed others who could never walk in my shoes and get it any righter than I could, to make me feel inadequate and inferior to the task. Everyone else – especially non stepparents -- always knows what you should do or should not do with kids. And they usually always know exactly what you are doing that is wrong. Have you ever noticed that? These 'experts' everywhere just don’t know what to do that is right -- because that takes a lot more thought and work.

"I have been a good stepmother -- I am a good stepmother, and my husband is a good father, in spite of his ex’s opinion and in spite of how our kids have 'turned out.' The 'turning out' is still happening, as it will continue to happen for the rest of our lives, I expect.

"We’re still here. And my stepdaughters know that we love them. And I think that's pretty good parenting, as it goes . . . ."

That's great parenting, and if any of us gets to where Natalie is, we can be proud. And hopefully we can relax a little, continue to give ourselves time and space to grow and learn, and maybe even be a light of hope to those who follow us in steplife. I appreciate Natalie's willingness to share her story and I thank you for reading. Still and again, we all learn best from each other.

The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends!

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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