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That seems like a bit of a stretch, doesn't it -- to embrace the confrontation. Yes, we'd all rather avoid those difficult exchanges and never have a cross word with our stepkids, but that perfect world doesn't exist. There will always be those times when personalities or preferences collide, when seeing things the same way isn't likely. That's when the dreaded CONFRONTATION must take place -- because taking a stand and clearing the air is always the best choice.
As your stepkids grow into older teens and young adults, the issues you have to confront don't go away, they just change. But what doesn't change is that you and your husband are still the parents, still the final authority when a decision has to be made. And when it does, when the issue can't be ignored or won't solve itself (sometimes we get lucky and *can* avoid the "talk" -- don't you love those times?), remember to keep things simple and direct. It won't be pleasant, but staying on course will get you through it as quickly as possible, and then you can move on. So while embracing the confrontation might be too much to ask for, here are a few guidelines that will hopefully make it a little less painful.
Rehearse your words. It's hard to remember how to say what you need to say when your heart is beating fast and the tension is high. Choose your words carefully so that they're not inflammatory or hurtful. Plan the order of the points you want to make and practice.
Plan for privacy. Carefully choose a time and place where you'll have some privacy. The other kids, friends, grandma -- nobody unnecessary needs to be involved or in danger of interrupting you. Plan your confrontation for the right time and place. Take your time. On a related note, be sure that you don't grab your stepkid for an important conversation when she's about to head out the door. Arrange to have time to talk as long as you need and time for each of you to recover before you have to attend a big family gathering or something.
Lower your voice. If you start yelling, your stepkid might do the same. If you take a belligerent tone, he might do the same. If you speak calmly and quietly, though, with compassion and understanding in your voice, he might do the same.
Stick to the facts. It doesn't help to say, "I know what you're thinking..." or "I know how you feel..." Most likely you do know these things, but sticking to the facts and dealing with actions and behaviors only will help both of you focus on the issue and keep anyone from feeling personally attacked. Ask questions if you need clarification and don't make any assumptions about what you don't know for sure. Get your facts straight before you talk about them.
Come with a solution. Rehashing the same problem over and over without a change in behavior doesn't do any good. Maybe you can't change your stepkid's mind about something, but you can take a stand about what happens in your home. Clearly communicate what's important to you and your spouse -- perhaps you have certain standards in your home and you won't have those violated -- and then lay out the solution you've come up with to maintain those standards. That keeps it simple and doesn't attack anyone's character or insert your influence outside your home.
Leave it with her. Once you've communicated your decision, you can tell your stepdaughter, "Ok, this is what's happening here, and it's up to you to react to it." When you've come this far with an issue, it's best to simply keep things as black and white as possible -- you're the parents, it's your home, and this is how it's going to be. Let her deal with it.
Now, your stepkid may not like what you have to say and rant and rave all over the place about it, but it won't kill him. At least he'll know where you stand, you'll all know what behavior is expected, and you can start there to build something better.
Nobody will ever get along all the time, and that period of transition from child to adult can be painful, but this part of stepparenting is just like all the others -- focusing on the goals and looking long-term. Those things that are too important to ignore or overlook have to be addressed, and confrontations will be necessary to get through those difficult years. Still though, the best is yet to be if we'll keep working at it.
Whether our stepkids are two or twenty and no matter what else is happening around us, being a good stepmom means keeping our integrity, always. Sometimes, it's hard, and while you may never embrace these confrontations, you can learn to manage them better and get the most out of them -- for yourself and your stepkids. They're still looking to you as an example, remember. It's up to you to be a good one.
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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