In This Issue: STEPMOM, Speak Out!
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On The Other Woman in Your Life Let's talk about a stepmom's always favorite subject, her stepkids' mom! Please choose one or more of the following questions and send me your answers by July 31. Share as much or as little as you like. Next month we'll explore a little more about this dynamic relationship. Hope to hear from you soon!
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Do you know what the Dog Days of summer are? If you lived here in the lovely South with me, you would. It’s that wonderful time of year when the thermometer explodes and the air’s so thick you can see it. It’s almost unbearable in the 200 degrees of oppression – well, ok, so it’s not 200, but it’s easily 100 degrees and 100 percent humidity, so it all adds up, right? You think you’ll just never survive.
But you do. And stepparenting is much the same. There are days you do the math and don’t think you'll survive. It’s unbearable. Your energy is gone as well as your will to do anything. But those Dog Days will pass, too. May these tips help you through the thickness of your despair. A cool, crisp day of relief is on its way. Decide on a plan and stick to it. The Dog Days of summer are a great time to plan a Halloween party or Christmas dinner – planning is about all you feel like doing. So we can plan for our stepfamilies, too. Would you like to speak more positively around your family? Ask questions before you jump to conclusions? Spend one-on-one time with your stepkids? Compliment instead of criticize? Whatever it is you want to change about your behavior, map out your plan and then put it into play. Keep your focus on the rewards and don’t give up. Offer your advice only when asked. Yes, I know you just want to help (me, too), but sometimes people just don’t want our opinions. Sometimes we can help best by listening quietly and offering support. And often others will ask for our thoughts if we’ll give them time. We have to remember that the more we talk, the less others will listen. Make your words count, and let yourself off the hook of being everyone’s keeper. Get away by yourself and relax. If all you have is fifteen minutes in the bathroom, that’ll have to do. Make your mental health a priority, or your family won’t survive. Resist the urge to “make use” of time alone by completing some mundane chore. Instead, stop, rest, think – enjoy your private moments whether you’re home or somewhere else. Get away in your mind by taking advantage of even tiny slivers of quiet time. Everything will be waiting for you, I guarantee it. Declare your home a “peace zone.” Every problem that comes into your home has a solution. But you won’t find any of them in a state of disorder and turmoil and anger and distress. Resolve to discuss your family’s problems rationally and to practice a peaceful approach to the chaos. That means being calm, creating an atmosphere of respect among your family members, valuing honesty and integrity and letting others know it, and putting a quick end to petty squabbles and insignificant irritations. Shoo the emotional clutter out of your home and mind like flies from the back door and enjoy the peace that reigns. Always assume the best about others. It won’t hurt a bit. You may be proven wrong, but so what? People have a way of living up to the expectations we have of them, so give it a try. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and let your mind rest a bit – it takes more energy to think the worst than the best. And assume the best about yourself, too. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Yell for help. There’s no need to get sun poisoning when there’s storefulls of sun screen. And there’s no need for your family to decay when there’s lots of help available. If you need counseling, get it. If you need your husband to understand your feelings, keep trying until you get through to him. If you need a friend to talk to, find one, or seek out a support group of other stepmoms who know what you're going through. Don’t crash and burn all alone. Start fresh every day. Unless you can foretell the future, you don’t know what tomorrow will be. So that means you can help to make it better, for yourself and your family, by starting each day free of the hurts and mistakes of the past. Look forward to a solution to what’s bothering you now, and do what you can today to make that brighter future come true. Your thoughts determine your actions, so think good, positive, strong thoughts – and then like a gentle rain shower that washes away the heat of the day, your refreshment will come. Get ready.
I wish you much peace and happiness – and perseverance through the Dog Days of your steplife. Pass the iced tea!
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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(For reprint permission, please contact me.) |