In This Issue: 1. If I Had My Druthers . . . .
|
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
If I had my druthers, the temperature would be 90 or so year round with more daylight than darkness, my tomatoes and squash and okra would bear non-stop, and the trees would be full and shady. But I don't get to order everything to suit me, and I'm quite sure winter will return. And I'll adapt.
We all have the ideals -- our "druthers" -- we'd like to prevail in our stepfamilies, too. We'd rather have agreement than war, we'd rather have acceptance than jealousy, and we'd rather have plenty than lack. If we had our druthers, everyone would love everybody else and live happily ever after. But we don't often get to choose in this case, either. So we adapt. I make the most of the summer when it's here, and we have to learn to appreciate the good times in our families when they happen. We can't have everything to suit us, but we can do the best we can with what is within our control. Here are a few examples. "If I had my druthers, my stepkids' mom would respect my place in the kids' lives." And even thank you for all you do, too, right? Well, you might not be able to have that, but you can have respect in your life within your family and your home. You and your husband can teach and model respect for the kids, respect their mom whether you ever speak to her or not, and build the life you want with her blessing or not. When you conduct yourself with honesty and integrity, you'll have self-respect and earn the respect of your stepkids. That's what you can control. "If I had my druthers, my stepkids would not try to undermine my marriage and cause trouble between their dad and me." We learn quickly that our stepkids are full of emotions and actions we'd never have expected and can't control. And if they work to cause trouble in your marriage, your first line of defense is the bond you form and display with your husband. Come up with a plan together to face their antics: share all information with them so there's no misunderstandings or accusations of lying, plan family outings and don't change them to accommodate others, plan couple outings and don't change them to accommodate others, and continue to welcome the kids into your home and heart. That's what you can control. "If I had my druthers, there would be less tension between all family members." Time may take care of some of the extended "growing pains" of your stepfamily, so give yourself and everyone else a break where you can. And realize everyone has to find his place in the family, and that sometimes comes with a few kicks and screams along the way. You won't be able to make your family get along all the time, but you can try to help everyone understand everyone else's side, let them settle their own problems where they can, and find your own place and show others how it can be done. That's what you can control. "If I had my druthers, I would have a better relationship with my stepkids." Since you're only half that equation, you can't guarantee the relationship you want. Still, you can be ready when the kids are. The relationship you have with your stepkids today won't be the one you'll have a year from now, so be encouraged if things are bad as you look for ways to make things better. My stepsons are growing older and pulling away from me. Maybe yours have yet to warm up to you or trust you because of their mom's influence. Regardless of the reasons, you can prepare for a better relationship by always being available, being honest, and being open to following their lead. That's what you can control. "If I had my druthers, I would have more peace about my stepmom role." Yep, wouldn't we all. It seems that no matter how good we get at stepping, we always fall down again. Something comes up to shake our confidence, upset our plans, and make us want to run and hide. But we can't. Our lives demand that we stand our ground and recover from whatever hits. We do that by restoring our faith in ourselves and in our marriage. Time alone is crucial to reclaiming your balance and clearing your mind. Time alone with your husband is crucial to reawakening your passion for your life and seeing the picture of your future together in your mind again. Give yourself time to steady your heart when it's taken a stepfamily blow. Trust yourself, look at how far you've come, plan for something even greater, and your peace will return. That's what you can control.
Remember that even though we can't always have our druthers, summer does come again after even the coldest of winters. And if your family is suffering difficult times right now, trust they won't last. Tend to your own heart and become the best person you can be -- that's always within your control. Happy harvesting!
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
No matter when I go out to my garden or how well I've tended it the day before, I see weeds popping up to damage my tender plants. And so I repeat the same work and pull the weeds away and silently wish my plants a renewed sense of strength and safety. Why bother when I know what'll happen? Why pull the weeds away if more will just come in their place? Because every day I go to my garden, I tell myself, "it matters today." It matters today that I gather the vegetables ready for my table, that I pull the weeds, that I do what I can. It's the same in our stepfamilies.
It matters today if we say a kind word, if we forgive a hurt, if we try to understand another's point of view. It matters today if we take advantage of a stepchild's willingness to let us close, if we praise a family member's efforts no matter how far he has to go. It matters today if we hold our tongue and suppress a criticism, if we risk rejection to build a relationship still so needy. It matters today if we tell the truth, do our job, learn something new, find peace. Your stepfamily dynamics are bound to change, hopefully always for the better, but it won't be a drastic event. Your family will grow and develop one tiny act at a time, each moment building on the others to make history together. What you do today may seem small and insignificant, but it's not, because it's connected to everything else you do on all the other days. My plants are stronger because of what I did today, even though I'll have to do it again tomorrow. I hope my family is, too. |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Speed Stepmommin' Go HERE for this free A-Z tip sheet. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The Stepmom's Four-Week Plan for Less Stress
GO HERE. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Free Course-by-Email
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * * * Lots More Freebies Here! * * *
| ||
| ||
"Encouraging, challenging, and comforting--this book is just what a stepmom needs.
| ||
|
| ||
A "must have" and a "highly recommended" resource.
Click on the book and read the latest reviews.
 | ||
|
| ||
This easy-to-read book is for stepmoms who deal
Click on the book and read the testimonials.
| ||
|
Now Available by PayPal! | ||
Renewing Your Spirit, Grasping Your Role Restore your soul and your sanity with this new chapbook!
Click on the book and read all about it!
 | ||
|
The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
| ||
|
| ||
|
| ||
(For reprint permission, please contact me.) |