"I wish that my 2 stepkids (12 year old son and 17 year old daughter) would learn to accept that I am a part of their father's life and that the time we have them also involves my two kids and me. We are one family now." Stepmom PN "My greatest stepwish for 2006 would be my blended family of seven being able to get into a house suitable for a family this size! Currently we live in the house I bought for myself and my three kids when going through my divorce from their father. My current husband and his two children moved here from out-of-state and came to live with us. The house is small for seven people. Our plan was to combine resources and get into a larger home within a year's time of them coming here. Well, my husband could not find a job and we used up all of our 'house money.' Almost three years later we're all still in the small home I purchased with four people in mind! This definitely is not the Brady Bunch! So, my wish for the coming year is that we can move to a larger home or at least be close to being able to do so by the end of the year." Stepmom ST "I wish I could be closer to my stepkids...wish they would confide in me and let me be more involved in their lives." Stepmom JF
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"I exchanged email addresses with my husband's ex in the summer so we could keep each other up to date on my stepson's school activities, events to be calendared, pickup and drop off times, etc. Now we also email photos of him back and forth. Most of the time my husband is copied on these emails. We don't talk about my husband or anyone else in these emails. The ex-wife is a school teacher who has a computer at work and home and I work on the computer a lot so this plan works for us during the week, especially if it involves any long term planning. Obviously if it's a last minute change we all use phones. "By emailing each other we say more without some of the discomfort or awkwardness of ex wife vs. current wife. Plus I feel more in the loop on what's happening in my stepson's life (before it was just my husband and his ex emailing each other). I also respect the ex's time and try to give her advance notice of events or changes in scheduling. Sharing emails with my husband's ex also works for us because she and I are polite towards each other in person and on the phone, believe in doing what's best for my stepson, and my husband and his ex had an amicable divorce. This may not work for all current and former wives! I aim to keep my husband's ex happy (to a reasonable point) because if she's happy, then my husband and stepson are more likely to be happy too." Stepmom LF Nobody understands us like other stepmoms, and we learn best from each other. If you have a KwikTip for easing the stress of steplife, please pass it on to me here, and I'll post it. Thanks!
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We don't often know if our stepmothering makes much of an impact on the young people who drop unexpectedly into our lives. We wonder if they'll remember our efforts, recognize our good intentions or accept our affection. Will we forever be the stepmother from hell or a blessing in disguise?
Lynn, a grown stepchild, does remember her stepmom, very well. She remembers her with love and grace and gratitude. May we all be so fortunate. This is her story.
"My dad's fourth wife was, I guess, my stepmom, and she was one of God's greatest gifts to me. She loved, respected, supported and enjoyed me, way more than my mother or father ever did.
"There were many reasons my parents got divorced (mental illness, alcoholism, vicious tempers), but somehow Betty was the blessing I received from the aftermath. She never tried to take anyone else's place in my life; she just shared her zest for living to me without limit.
"We had our spats occasionally, when I spent the summers in California with her and my dad. But it had nothing to do with our relationship, just the interaction between two intelligent, strong-minded souls. I laugh every time I remember her throwing a small saucepan across the kitchen at me, and how badly it was dented after it hit the edge of the counter. Or the time we were making apricot jam and we first angrily, then playfully, started smearing it all over each other. She was definitely not the wicked stepmother, but more like a fairy Godmother.
"Betty had always wanted to talk to or meet my mother and tell her what a beautiful job she had done raising me (a kindly thought, as my mom was a pretty awful example most of the time). My mom was so jealous, she never once would speak to Betty, even at my wedding, even though I pleaded with her.
"Betty never took offense, and never ever took it out on me. Honestly, I would have been lost without her. She never had kids, but she treated me like her own, and I am so much more like her today than either of my parents.
"Well there you have it from a grown stepkid with an unusal perspective and nothing but love and appreciation and respect for a stepmom who gave me, guess what? nothing but love and appreciation and respect.
Wishing you a new year that begins with nothing but love and appreciation and respect between you and your stepkids. May it last.
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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(For reprint permission, please contact me.) |