In This Issue: 1. Resolving Not
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Ok, tell the truth. How many New Year Resolutions did you make? How many have you broken? I'll confess to one. I tried to give up potato chips. That lasted two days. Oh, well, I'm not going to chastise you about your resolutions. In fact, I'm going to challenge you to resolve not to do a few things, stepwise. And we don't even need a calendar to help us keep track -- I think these non-resolutions will be something you'll want to instill in your heart forever.
Resolve Not to Assume. We sometimes make things bigger and harsher than they have to be by jumping to conclusions before we know the facts. Stop yourself the next time you think you just know what your stepkids or their mom did. Save yourself the frustration and wait until you find out exactly what's going on. Maybe things are just as you predicted, but maybe they're not. Either way, if you assume nothing, you keep your mind open to all possibilities, and you save your heart a little hurting. There will be plenty of time for whatever you need to do, and you can think more clearly when your mind isn't muddied by a pile of assumptions. Resolve Not to Repay. Evil for evil, that is. What good will that do? If you get angry with your stepkids and then respond in kind, what do you teach them? You teach them the very thing you're wanting to change. Instead, learn from the hurtful experiences and do what you can to change the circumstances before the "evil" begins. Work to change the atmosphere in your home so that everyone's behavior is more tolerant and considerate. That won't happen overnight, of course, but it has to begin somewhere. Let it start with you Resolve Not to Judge. Your spouse's parenting skills inadequate? Your stepkids greedy or manipulative? Their mom a pain in the neck? No, you can't ignore these conditions, but you can acknowledge them without becoming judge, jury and executioner of all the people in your life. Respond to others' actions (if you have to -- sometimes you can just stay out of the equation), but reserve your judgment for yourself. Yes, you still have to deal with the behavior, but when you do so from a place of resolution instead of superiority, you simplify your part considerably. You don't try to "fix" everybody, but you focus on a solution instead. Deal with the issue and let everyone else deal with their consciences. Resolve Not to Compare. Make refusing to compare a habit and you'll improve your life more than you can imagine. When you refuse to compare, you make way for peace. If you compare instead -- your kids to your spouse's kids, your lifestyle to your stepkids' other parent's lifestyle, anything -- you'll have no peace because there will always be a stack of "comparison notes" waiting for your attention. Throw the comparisons away and live and love where you are. If you're dissatisfied with something, work to change it because it's what's best for you, not because it doesn't measure up to what someone else has. Refuse to compare and you'll refuse to be unhappy. Resolve Not to Look Back. Yep, 2003 is history and so is everything else in your life. So be it. Sure, you want to remember the good and build on that, but the real joy is in looking ahead. If you have a rough history with your stepkids or their other parent, you can't change it. If you've made poor choices that have contributed to that history, you can't change that either. Steplife is a challenge unlike any other. We all fail and need to give ourselves permission to start over, to hope again, to believe we'll make it. You can't do that if you let yesterday claim your spirit. Accept what's passed and look forward to what's to come. That's where your joy awaits. Resolve Not to Doubt. Wondering if you made a mistake? Wondering if you can survive the demands of stepparenthood? Wondering if you've lost your mind? Don't worry. It's not the conditions of your life that make it so hard, but your lack of faith in yourself. Don't doubt your ability to solve your problems today and to make good choices for yourself tomorrow. If you did make a mistake, you can fix it now. If the demands of this life are great, you can meet them or remove them, whichever you have to do. If you think you've lost your mind, that means you haven't, right? You are quite capable of being the stepparent you wanted to be when you began this life. Sure, your role may look a little different than you imagined, but you can still live the values that you hold dear. No one has the power to change that. Resolve Not to Wait. Are you waiting for a more "convenient" time to become the stepparent you want to be? Are you waiting for someone else to do something before you work on your goals? Are you waiting for kids to grow up or child support payments to end before you do what you want with your life? Don't wait for these things you can't change to be the person you want to be. Don't wait for others to make decisions for you. Don't wait for someone else to make you happy when you alone control that for yourself. Don't wait to live the life you want just because you're a stepparent ;-)
Resolving Not is about letting go of what you don't need in your life so you can have more of what you do. It's great practice for us stepparents any time of year. Why not start today?
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Available Now in Print! It's natural to be intimidated by a difficult mom. Your husband probably is. He may fear that if he doesn't cave in to every demand, no matter how unreasonable, she'll interfere with visitation or do some other spiteful thing. (We'll talk about ways to help him overcome his fears in Chapter 9.) Even if he's wrong, perception is reality. If he believes it, you'll be left dealing with the fallout. But you don't have to be afraid. The kids' mom may be more talk than action. She may make threats that could hurt the kids (such as withholding visitation) only because she knows that just by making the threat, she'll get whatever she wants. If she senses that you or your husband are afraid of her -- and especially if her threats have worked in the past -- she'll use your fear to her advantage. Of course, by giving in to her, you won't know whether she really would follow through on her threats to keep you from the kids, take you to court, or whatever other horror she conjures. But whether or not the threats are genuine, they are creating real stress for you, and they aren't going to stop until you call her on them. To end the threats, you may have to take the risk that she'll actually do something terrible. It's your choice. Do you want to keep living in fear, or would you rather face mom down and deal with her threats -- hopefully once and for all? If you stop reacting in fear, she will have to do one of two things: learn to take no for an answer, or follow through with whatever she has threatened. If mom backs off, she'll know that you are someone to reckon with, someone who won't stand for her manipulation. If she follows through on her threat, then it's your move. You'll have to proceed through the legal system or another appropriate channel with whatever you are prepared to do. Either way, you will have changed the playing field. You will have gone from terrified victim to courageous parent. Sometimes fearing something is far worse than dealing with it. That includes mom's threats. The issues she presses may be painful or expensive in the short run, but living in fear of her can ruin your life for years. You, your husband, and the kids all deserve better. ACTION PLAN TODAY: On a blank sheet of paper, write down your biggest fear where mom is concerned. Then write your husband's number one fear. Add your estimate of how likely each is to occur-10%? 80%? Put that paper in an envelope and don't look at it for three months. Then see if your fears or predictions have changed. EVERY DAY:
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Warmly,
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