I hear from a great many of our readers whose lives appear to be mom's biggest source of gossip. For some reason, she enjoys telling lies about the stepmom, to the kids and anybody else who will listen, and the more bad things she can manufacture about stepmom and everything she does, the better. The stepmom having done nothing to warrant these attacks is irrelevant. It's sport for spite.

One stepmom wrote me recently about this problem, and she lives in one of those "everybody knows everybody else" towns, so avoiding mom and the wrath she leaves in her wake isn't practical. She's hoping we can help.

There are a few things we can do when mom's words are too much. These might help get you started.

*Realize you can't control other people. And realize there may be no logical reason for the attacks. That's just the way it is. We can approach the problem with a little more calm and reason when we remember that it might be like the weather -- something we have to live with. We can't sew her mouth shut or ship her off to Siberia, so understanding our limits is important.

*There's always the direct approach. Assuming you're not afraid for your physical safety and mom isn't mentally ill, you can always try to reason with her. Call her up or meet in person and ask that she stop saying bad and untrue things about you. Or you can ask your husband to make that contact. It's important that she knows you know what she's doing. You might also point out that the lying reflects poorly on her, and if she cares about being considered someone with integrity, maybe that'll hit home with her.

*Develop a tough hide. You can let mom's words destroy you if you aren't careful. Yes, her behavior fills up the category of unfair stress added to an already stressful life, but she may never change. So you have to focus on protecting yourself and thinking as little about her as possible. Sure, her choice to be so brutal hurts, but it's not more powerful than your own to be strong and resilient and victorious over whatever she dishes out.

*Perfect your response to the hearers of her lies. When you get that hide hardened from within with your own integrity and grace, you're ready to let it guide you out in the world. Particularly in a small town, like our reader lives in, or at school functions and such, you may regularly run into people who have encountered mom and her wicked ways. And if she's badmouthing you to your in-laws or the kids, you need to know how to respond with finesse. A lengthy explanation of the particular lie or insult isn't usually necessary, but you can (1) acknowledge mom's behavior, (2) sympathize with those she lied to, and (3) appear unconcerned with her lies because you know the truth. And that brings us to our final point.

*Trust what you know. No matter what she says, you have to truly believe in yourself and your family enough to let her behavior not affect you. That takes time, of course, but there's no clock running. Every day, get up and tell yourself you'll do the best you can today, tell the truth whether others do or not, and let go of what you can't control. It's a stepmom's plan of attack all her own.

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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