In This Issue:

Couple Time?
Book Review
Freebies
Books

Wendy's about to be married, and she's facing the impact that children have on time with her fiance. Perhaps you've been there or can understand her feelings now. Listen in as she answers some questions.

Q: We have to have a long-range plan for our marriages to succeed, but the work is done daily. Wendy, what’s your specific daily concern in your relationship?

A: I am currently engaged to a man with two kids. My fiancé is a fantastic father and I completely support him in his efforts. However by the time we do dinner, homework, showers, and get the kids to bed we have little time together. I thought that since I am now making dinner and doing the dishes he would have at least a little more time for me.

Wendy's complaint is a common one, and it makes sense: when the work is divided, the time for fun should increase, right? It's important for the parent to appreciate the efforts the stepparent makes to help run the house and take care of the kids. If the stepparent just assumes that appreciation and understanding is coming, though, she can be disappointed. Communication is key.

Q. How have you discussed this with your fiancé? What’s his response?

A: I have discussed this with my fiancé. Since our discussion we are now making an effort to get the kids, 6 and 8, to bed by 8:30PM. (He was previously getting them to bed between 9:00 ad 10:00.) Since I have to get up at 5:30 in order to beat rush-hour traffic into D.C., this still leaves us only about an hour to spend together before bedtime.

Wendy's efforts at communication have paid off, and her fiance's acceptance of a compromise is admirable. It's possible there won't be a perfect solution, but as long as both partners keep working toward finding that couple time, the relationship can succeed.

Q. How would you like to see this issue resolved?

A: At this point I think this problem has been resolved to at least a certain extent. But I don’t think we can go on like this indefinitely. I look in the want ads daily for a new job in his area. Hopefully something will come up in the next few months.

Q. Can you think of any specific compromises you and your fiancé could implement?

A: We actually talked about adjusting his schedule to be more in sync with mine, earlier to bed and earlier to rise. When I initially brought this up, he actually said that he’d been considering it as a potential solution himself. But up until this point he hasn’t made an effort to do so.

Wendy's fiance's laid-back approach to the problem is common, too. Parents sometimes get too comfortable with "whatever works," even if it doesn't work perfectly. The stepparent often has to be all things at the same time -- supportive of the parent's role and a champion of the couple's private time, sometimes stepping out of her comfort zone to address the issue. As all stepparents know, the role demands a flexible and generous nature.

Q. Support of your fiancé in parenting his children is crucial. How do you do that?

A: As far as parenting is concerned, I support my fiancé in a number of ways. Since we’ve only been dating for about a year, I try to back off from direct involvement with the kids in lieu of behind the scenes work, which in turn takes pressure off of my fiancé. (It’s not that I don’t want to be involved with the children, but I don’t want the children to feel as if they are losing one-on-one time with their dad.) The behind the scenes work that I help out with includes making dinner each night and doing the dishes, straightening up around the house, running errands.

I also try to help my fiancé occupy one of the kids (often the younger one) while he helps the other. Lately I have been taking on a greater role with the discipline but even when I have an idea of how my fiancé might tweak the system, I let him lay down the law while I help enforce it. In addition, I try to take cues from the children. They will usually let me know how and when they want to interact, which luckily is quite often. The other night my fiancés son asked if I would help him study for a spelling test, which of course I was happy to do. But knowing how heated homework can get (I was previously a teacher) this is something I have been reluctant to initiate on my own.

Q. Strengthening and protecting the couple relationship is also crucial. How do you two do that currently, or do you?

A: I feel that this is an area where we still need work. I have been trying to make plans at least one of the weekend nights when we don’t have the kids. (My fiancés ex takes them every other weekend and one night per week.) Lately I have felt as if we are spending far too much of our “together time” doing separate activities or running errands. I think we need to spend more time actually interacting with one another in a meaningful way. Sometimes I believe a “date night” is the best way to do this.

Wendy's comment is especially indicative of what happens so quickly to remarriage relationships -- the couple has so many responsibilities that those in first marriages don't -- and they end up tending to those activities at the expense of their time together. Some of it is unavoidable, but perhaps a review of the schedule or even cutting out some of the kids' obligations if they're endangering the family, is something to consider (remember, if the marriage fails, the stepfamily fails).

And there's nothing wrong with scheduling special couple time, like a date night or long lunch or weekend getaway. Being willing to acknowledge the problem and then talk about solutions together is always the best way to start. Couples in stepfamilies may be the victims of their circumstances, but they don't have to let the circumstances rule their lives. They can learn to compromise, adjust, experiment, communicate and stay open-minded and willing to work at making time for each other.

Q. Do you have any advice for other stepmoms in your situation?

A: I wish I had more advice for others, but since I’m currently struggling with this one myself, I really don’t feel qualified to give advice to anyone else. I guess the one thing I could mention is the importance of communicating openly. Before we were getting the kids to bed earlier, I really felt as if I were in a no-win situation. After our talk, though, things have gotten at least somewhat better. At least for now the situation seems tolerable. Hopefully it will improve further over time.

And hopefully we'll all remember the importance of taking care of the couple relationship while we take care of the kids. No one ever said it would be easy :-) But it can be wonderful when both partners give it their best shot and make couple time a priority.

Starting slow is fine and, like in other things, we learn as we go. A stepfamily isn't blessed with a real "honeymoon" period, so we have to carve out those ordinary and extraordinary moments together when we can. Be creative, be bold, and be attentive to time with your spouse. Even just a few special minutes here and there add up to a happy home. Your couple relationship deserves nothing less.

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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