In This Issue: 1. Grown But Not Gone
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We know how hard stepparenting little ones can be, when we deal daily with bedtimes and dinner disasters, schoolwork and scheduling conflicts. We have to be chauffeur and referee, struggling through the growing years of someone else's children.
Then your stepkids grow up. Or maybe you only enter their lives when they're grown. Either way, you think things will be simpler because you're dealing with adults. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes it's not. Your biggest problem. I hear from lots of stepparents of technically "adult" stepkids who act more like spoiled babies than responsible young people. Yes, I say, and that's because they're treated that way. But the kids aren't the stepparent's biggest problem. It's the parent. When a parent refuses to parent his adult children, he gets the same results as with younger ones -- kids out of control and cheated out of the parenting they deserve. You know this problem well if you have it. You see it in kids who only come around when they want money or kids who never leave the comfort of your home where they expect to live like royalty. You also see it in your marriage when your spouse makes excuses for his kids and you feel only rage. Just because the kids can vote and sign for a loan doesn't diminish dad's calling, but it does change it considerably. The parent's responsibility to grown kids is still great. And he is still failing to "work himself out of a job" by giving in to a child's manipulation and refusal to accept the responsibility that comes with adulthood. Yes, the parent's duties change for a grown child, but the basics remain the same: teaching kids right from wrong, how to live in respect and truth, and how to grow toward independence. The ideal solution. This one's easy. Having your spouse help your stepkids grow up is obviously the best situation. That means expecting responsible behavior out of the adults they are, respecting you and your place in the family and expecting the same from his kids, and staying out of decisions and activities that belong to his kids. Dad is still a parent in the sense of modeling mature behavior, but he needs to let go of his kids by neither seeking nor accepting responsibility for their choices. Even if dad turns over a new parenting leaf, does that mean the two of you can't help the kids along? Of course not. There's a big difference in "helping" adults and "rescuing" adults. The difference in one of responsibility. Ideally, the kids will learn sooner rather than later that its their responsibility to rescue themselves, and any help from parents is a bonus. And remember, even in the best of plans, you won't find any perfection. The road to maturity is long and rocky. Roll with it as long as you're going in the right direction. The part you play. I'm convinced that stepparents have a hidden gene that activates when they see their spouses struggling with their grown children. The stepparent sees the living, breathing adults full of whine and manipulation the kids are, while the parent sees five-year-olds who drive. That's about the only distinction he notices. What's a stepparent to do? You may want to start by appealing to your spouse's logic and ideals: does he want well-adjusted, capable, responsible children? Or does he want to figuratively change diapers the rest of his life? He can easily guide the kids out of their bad habits if he chooses to do so. It begins with the same word even toddlers learn to understand: no. You'll want to be a little more subtle that I have been here, but you and your spouse can come up with a plan of "baby steps" to get your stepkids on the road to independence. It really is for their own good, even if that sounds terribly cliche. When something in your plan works, build on that success, no matter how small. Your spouse may have been blind in the past, but it's hard to argue with evidence. Help him see how much better life is when he can enjoy his grown son or daughter and be proud of his or her choices, instead of constantly rescuing an adult and threatening his marriage.
Parenting and stepparenting adult kids should be a time of reward, a time to enjoy these people who are grown, to interact with them, learn from them, and develop a new level to your relationship. The kids will be adults a lot longer than they've been youngsters -- failing to be the parents they need is asking for a lifetime of bondage, for everyone. Teaching them responsibility and self-reliance is guaranteeing a lifetime of joy, for everyone. {For more on adult stepkids, click here.}
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In the beginning, here's how I thought I could best help my husband parent his daughters:
After fourteen years of step-mothering my stepdaughters, I think I'm finally learning my step-ABC's. Here are three strategies I've found to be more successful in helping my husband parent his kids. A: Be an Anchor during visitations In stepfamilies, a routine can be an anomaly. More often, we find ourselves being tossed about like a rowboat caught in a hurricane, especially as the kids become involved in more and more activities. Thus, flexibility is an important rule of thumb. Yet too much flexibility can wreck some basic structural elements necessary to establish the stepfamily as a family. Think about the anchor. An anchor dropped from a boat becomes firmly set on the bottom. Yet the boat has a certain amount of leeway to move about on the surface according to the current and the weather. In the same way, stepmoms can be an anchor in their stepfamilies. Decide with your husband on a few values vital to the wellbeing of your family as a whole. Hold firmly to fundamental values like respect, trust, and getting along with others; and be flexible in other areas, such as scheduling, tastes in food, and preferences in activities. A stepmom who can hold steady to the important things, but go willingly with the flow on the rest will add strength and stability to her family, and sanity to her husband! B: Be a Buttress during conflict The dictionary definition for 'buttress' that applies here is: "something that supports or strengthens" and the verb form is "shore up." In times of family conflict, your husband likely faces pressure to satisfy at least three direct competing sources: you, his ex-wife, and his kids -- a daunting task. You, the stepmom, will perhaps have fairly precise judgment as to the motives of the parties involved in the conflict. Your natural response will be to add to the pressure by arguing your case against him, the kids, or his ex-wife. But your best course of action will be to listen to your husband as he sorts through the parenting issues facing him. Then help him answer the right question. Some WRONG questions he might be tempted to answer are:
The RIGHT question is:
Once he has made his decision, support him fully, and hope for the best. Whatever happens, you will all likely survive. He will sense your respect of his decisions, and your trust that he is capable of making decisions. He will then likely grow in his respect for you, for your opinions, and for his own decision-making ability. There will be situations when you should voice your opinion, but do so behind closed doors. To influence the outcome, air your side in private before a decision has been made. Thwarting a decision he has already made known to his kids and ex will cause them to disrespect him. You will be undermining your own relationship with them as well. So, instead of contributing to the pressure during conflict, be a buttress -- be your husband's strongest supporter. C: Be a Champion of quality relationships What do champions do? In the sense of a cause, they work to meet the needs of a weaker group. Your stepkids -- victims of a broken home -- need a strong, healthy relationship with their father. Weak relationships in even one area can sabotage the whole family. The tensions of stepfamily life present a plethora of opportunities to weaken parent/child relationships. Three such opportunities are:
It is easiest to react naturally in the moment, but what comes out naturally usually tears families down rather than building them up. Build up your husband in his children's eyes. Be an Anchor during visitations, be a Buttress during conflict, and be a Champion for quality relationships. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends! I’d hate to see you leave our group, but if you must, you can send a blank email here. 'Til next month . . . .
Warmly,
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