We have a guest column this month from a family lawyer who became a stepmom and realized quickly how analyzing and living steplife were two different things. “Stepmom Linda” understands well the challenges we all face, both from a professional and a personal point of view. I know you’ll benefit from her story and appreciate her words of wisdom.

"I am a family lawyer (domestic relations including custody, property division, and divorce), as well as a stepparent. From the mid-1980’s until early in this millennium, I have practiced family law and did not have children. Everything I knew about stepparenting came from information and feedback from my friends, my clients and from psychologists who were expert witnesses in my custody cases.

"Several years ago, I married a man who has primary custody of his son (now age 11). The three of us live together and after all these years of helping my clients plan visitation schedules, I now plan the visitation schedule for my stepson, by coordinating with my husband’s ex-wife’s husband (yes, that’s right; the two stepparents in this situation seem to do a better job planning the schedule than the actual biological parents!).

"After years of learning about and understanding the legal ramifications of step-parenting roles, I am now participating in the personal experience. At times, it is hard for me to have my own personal melodrama that resembles the things that I have been hearing professionally from my clients for years. In my situation, the real mom is not very involved and I do most of the “mommy things” such as buying clothes for my stepson, taking him to the doctor and dentist, planning many of his social events, serving as liaison with the school, and planning schedules. When I try to make a point with my husband about 'how things should be done,' I have to be careful not to fall too much in the role of a family lawyer in trying to establish that I’m right (but don’t we stepparents often know how right we are?!).

"Both legally and personally, I understand why we, as stepparents, often feel slighted. I feel that this comes into play more for female stepparents of a live-in child than male stepparents of a live-in child for several reasons. Since this is my situation, it is the one that most interests me. Statistically, less than 5% of fathers have primary physical custody of children under the age of five. The statistics are also quite low for fathers having primary custody of children between the ages of five and ten.

"With each year that a child gets older, there is a larger percentage of fathers who are either in a shared custody situation with the mother, or who have become the primary physical custodian. Often during teen years, both male and female children may express a desire to go live with dad. The states vary as to what weight is given to a child’s preference, and some states have specific 'ages of discretion' in which the court must consider a child’s desires as to which parent the child would like to reside with. In states where there is an age of preference in the statute, it is typically somewhere from the age of 12 and upwards. The state where I live and practice law, Virginia, does not have a specific age of preference, however, the older the child, the more likely the court will be to take that child’s preferences into account. Mostly, I see this occurring during the teen years.

"Thus, most stepmothers experience a stepchild as a visiting child, i.e., every other weekend with some weeknight time and holidays, or some other similar arrangement. Not many of us stepmoms have a live-in stepchild who is elementary school aged or younger. When I married my husband, my stepson was seven years old.

"I think the reasons that a stepmother with a live-in stepchild or children finds unique challenges are both in the nature of there not being many of us with residential stepchildren, and also the nature of society’s expectations of the roles of women/mothers. My husband grew up in a traditional family. Thus, he expects me to take care of the mothering needs of his son. I also find that I have the same expectations of myself and am confronted daily with the fact that this specific child does not completely feel like my own.

"I vary in terms of whether I view myself more as a stepmom or a mom, and I am married to a man who would like me to view me as 'the mom' and would like me to love his child as though he were my own.

"When we first got married, I had an idyllic view of things (despite my many years of domestic relations law practice!) and I had always wanted a child. What I didn’t realize was that over time, my stepson and I would develop our own relationship and figure out who we were to each other. We are still in the process of doing so.

"I feel somewhere between a typical stepmother and a mother, but in the final analysis, I don’t view my stepson as my own. I try to look out for his best interests, but it is difficult doing this and also trying to find my own space and my own time with my husband. I have had a hard time dealing with the expectations, both from my husband and my in-laws, and I often feel that I do the heavy lifting with school-related matters and activities, but that my husband gets the real love and fondness. Over time, I will continue to be sorting this out.

"The bottom line is that being a stepparent is a very challenging role for most of us, no matter what the arrangement. Often I will describe challenges with my stepson to my friends with biological children, and they will tell me they are experiencing similar challenges with their children. This is often comforting to me, yet I know that being a stepparent is different than if a child is your own from birth. My husband tells me that I have a canvass upon which I can paint my own picture of how I would like our family to be, and I try to keep this in mind.

"My experience is that the challenges of step-parenting have not been made easier for me due to my work in the family law field. My hat is off to everyone who takes on this challenging role."

The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends!

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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