Stepmom NN knows the knocks of a less than perfect arrangement:

"When I first became a step mom to my two step sons, they had just turned 4 and 10 the previous month. At that time we had custody 95%, but the biological parents had 50/50 legal custody. We just had them more physically, so it meant that all legal decisions had to be made jointly. The mother wasn't interested in having the children more due to her own problems. It was very difficult, not with the 4 yr old but with the 10 yr old because he was aware his Mother wasn't around. In those early days their mom took them on Sunday nights and we'd get them back on Monday nights. It wore me out. I worked full time and was practically a full time stepmother as well. Their mom would actually call us to babysit for her on the nights she'd have the kids so she could go to her narcotics anonymous meetings."

Finally, she was able to make things better:

"One day the older one asked me why he wasn't with him mom more, and he told me he wanted to be. So I insisted my husband insist that their mother step up to 50% custody and the following year that occurred. Again she wanted it to commence on a Saturday night which would have meant we'd never be able to go away on a weekend. I put my foot down and insisted custody start Fridays. So every Friday at 8:00 a.m. it switches. The biological parent drops the kids off at school and then the other parent is responsible for picking them up and custody commences. If a child is sick on Friday morning the biological parent calls the other and then you take off work and stay home with the sick child.

"This has worked. We moved closer to the mother so there would be no commuting. Over the years I learned several things. Legally the biological parent has the obligation to pick up the children, so we spent many years driving an hour when we didn't have to. When we learned of this legal obligation, we made her meet us half way. I also didn't want her picking the kids up at my house, I just didn't need it, so I had my husband drop off them off or had them meet someplace else to make the switch."

It can be tough when kids don't have equal access to the other parents. Stepmom KZ faces this situation:

"I have three stepkids and one son. My stepkids have no contact with their mom on a regular basis....she was actually put in jail on drug and child endangerment charges. My son however, has a good relationship with his dad. He spends every other weekend with him at the minimum. The other kids don't think it is fair that my son gets to do things with his dad whenever he wants. They don't understand."

Some stepmoms have different arrangement for different kids, and even then, it doesn't always work out. Stepmom JA keeps trying:

"My stepson live full-time with us and goes to his mom's one evening a week (due to the fact he works - is supposed to go two evenings a week) and every other weekend (which finally he is doing - we so needed the break).

"My stepdaughter lives full-time with her mom and comes to us two nights a week and every other weekend. She used to come a lot more, but I finally talked with the birth mom and though the kids are always welcome at anytime I suggested to her that Lindsey stay more at her place when it was her time as we were getting no break and paying child support even though she was with us about 80-90% of the time.

"During the summer we split it 6 weeks with us and 6 weeks with mom - so far that has not happened but I am hoping this summer will be different. We alternate holidays."

Stepmom ST is the mom in every sense of the word for her stepkids. Her house is full:

"My two stepkids live with me full-time. I also have three biological children. My husband works an afternoon shift with non-weekend days off. This has posed a real challenge for me as I've become the main 'parental' figure about 75% of the time for my stepkids. They have holiday and spring-break visitation with their biological mom, as well as an 8-week visitation in the summer months. Their mother lives 500 miles away, so there are no week night or every other weekend-type visits for them. This has become difficult as my children do see their father a couple evenings a week and every other weekend.

"When my kids go, I am home still with two children, often without their father being there. My down-time, or time for myself, is practically non-existent and this has been very stressful. My stepkids find themselves bored when my children leave, and the three of us are alone left to figure out what to do. It has been very strange and a little uncomfortable. I consider my husband, my stepkids' father, to be the buffer between his children and myself. Often he is not home to be that buffer, and we just kind of 'co-exist.' I do the things a mother does to care for them and try to take them out and about at times to alleviate the boredom. I feel they are a little uncomfortable alone with me, as if on pins and needles. It is much better when their father is home, too. When my three kids are home it is a houseful! The kids all get along fairly well, but my stress level is high due to the sheer number of kids and the activity level being so constant, and loud! (And the fact that I am the only adult there to deal with the five of them.)

"I often find myself wishing that my stepkids could have a regular visitation schedule with their biological mom just to relieve me from parental duties on a regular basis. I also feel that we would get along better if this were the case. My stepdaughter has trouble treating me with respect at times. I feel that she does not want to look to me to have her needs met when her father is at work. She also doesn't want to abide by what I say at times. There are times I just wish she'd live with her biological mom and we'd be the visiting parents! I muddle through the best I can. Recently I've worked very hard to change my approach with her and she seems less defensive."

Even with the challenges, Stepmom ST sees the big picture:

"Overall, though, I know both sets of children are better off with us as the custodial parents. I try to keep that in mind and not make any rash decisions under stress! (Such as turning custody over to the other biological parents.) I have to remind myself constantly of the childrens' best interests and remember that if they lived apart from me I'd be nuts wondering if they were okay and getting their needs met."

We can all relate to her worries because no situation is perfect. But we get some advice to help us along from Stepmom NN:

"While it has been very difficult to be a stepmother and endure the biological mother as part of my life, the most important thing is to establish boundaries, and know what will make you comfortable and then ensuring those boundaries are kept. Over the years the boundaries you feel you need may change, and what was once important, like her not dropping of the kids, has diminished, but at the time, I needed that boundary, it was important and I made sure it was respected. A stepmother must create her own environment that will work for her and achieve the most peace within herself, to the greatest extent possible." Amen.

Looking back, Stepmom MB gives us all hope:

"My husband had fulltime custody of three daughters with a mom out of state. They were 14,12, and 6. They had been divorced 2 years when we met and got together. I had a 16 year old son. It was a very difficult situation for several years and just when things were getting better, the mom filed for custody for all three, the oldest turning 18. After a year long hassle with lawyers and hearings, my husband retained custody and the mom, after being here a year, left and moved out of state for the third time. The children are adults now, all stepparents themselves, and are learning first hand what it is like to raise another's child. The emotional toll is unbelieveable, but I am here to say you do survive and the grandkids are the reward you reap. Also as adults the children recognize the sacrifice a stepparent makes."

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Warmly,
Karon
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