In This Issue:

1. 5 by 5 for 2005 -- Part 1
2. Book Review
3. Freebies
4. Books

The way we think about our lives and look at the challenges we face has much to do with how competent and secure we feel. Because stepparenting has a way of twisting you from the inside out and overwhelming your thoughts, we sometimes need to step back and see how we're approaching our lives. Usually we can find a new way or two to make things better. That's what I hope this issue and the next will give you.

I hope these 10 tips -- 5 this month and 5 more in January -- will help bring peace to your steplife all year long and beyond. Let's get started!

1. Do what works. I know that sounds obvious, but we often get stuck doing things the same way whether we get us the results we want or not. Do you get into an argument with your stepchild over the same old thing time and again? If so, you know what isn't working, so try something else. We can't relate to everybody the same way, but we can learn through trial and error and become far more efficient in our communication and negotiation. Looking for solutions instead of just wanting to be right is the first step. Then doing what works and letting go of what doesn't is next. Success is finding the most direct and productive route to an answer that works for your family. Do what works, as soon as you can figure it out. And that will bring you peace.

2. Assume nothing. One way we bring a lot of unnecessary stress into our lives is by deciding that we know how people will act and react and what they'll do and say -- and we worry over it before it even happens. Yes, your stepdaughter may complain again about her curfew, and her mom may refuse to negotiate summer vacation, but maybe not -- and even if they do, sometimes it helps to look at things without the color of an assumption. Sure we learn from the past and base things on experience, but we don't have to close our eyes to all other possibilities. When we assume we know everything, we jump to conclusions, strike out to protect ourselves when we may not even need to, and waste a lot of our mind's energy on circumstances that may not even come to pass. As often as I'm wrong, you'd think I would have employed this tactic sooner, but I'm going to do my best in 2005. Assume nothing, and then work with what you get for the best solution you can find. And that will bring you peace.

3. Prepare for what you want. What's the ideal steplife for you? No, it'll never be perfect, but there's always hope for something better. And it won't happen on its own. Of course, you can't make people feel or behave a certain way, but you can set your own limits and let everyone else know them. If you want a more or less structured schedule with your stepkids, how can you work toward that? If you want a different relationship with their mom, what can you do to make it happen? Just wishing for things won't make them so, and no one in your steplife is a mind reader. Possibly no one is terribly interested in helping you get what you need either, so it's up to you to prepare as much as you can by looking at your options, developing a plan and then following through with whatever is within your power. Knowing you're laying the groundwork for what you want reaffirms your hope and belief in the future you envision, regardless of what others do. Creating the steplife you want takes guts -- preparing is the beginning. Start today. And that will bring you peace.

4. Ask the right questions. Think of it as "preventive maintenance" -- getting all the information you need to keep your cool as a stepmom. We're often left in the dark, considered an afterthought, and forgotten like old luggage when plans are made and schedules are set or changed. Make it your point to know how things affect you, not to meddle in others' business or just be nosy, but so that you can do your best, know what's expected of you, and serve your family on your terms. Think about the events and circumstances in your stepkids' lives: what does each require of you (do you need to drive someone somewhere, launder clothes?), what does each require of your household (how will it affect other plans you've made or change the schedule?) and what does each require of your budget (are there fees or supplies you need to contribute?). Get the answers you need to everything that affects you. And that will bring you peace.

5. Be kind to yourself. Do you ever talk to yourself in a way you'd never talk to your family or friends? Do you over criticize or find too much fault with something you've said or done? Well, enough! Stepparenting is one of the toughest jobs you'll ever have, and we all make mistakes. Beating yourself up over them won't change them. And it won't make you more productive or solve your problems. Instead of telling yourself, "I'm an idiot," you can at least say, "I'm less of an idiot today because of what I learned yesterday." Don't make excuses for your behavior, but make allowances for the learning curve in a tough subject. Allow your human self to live in the skin of the saint you're trying to be. And that will bring you peace.

Practice these steps as you stretch and grow in your stepmom role. Give yourself time to learn, and enjoy the victories along the way. Coming next month: the other 5 tips for 2005! Happy New Year!

The publishers call this work a "resource book," but that barely scratches the surface. This extensive work of clear answers to direct adoption questions serves as a stepparent's first stop and constant companion. Either the information you need or the place to find it is here.

Dr. O'Hanlon tells us that stepparent adoptions make up the largest single category of adoptions in the United States. There's an obvious need for no-nonsense, accessible help for the families involved, and he's done a brilliant job of putting it all together in this one place. Both a concise guidebook through the legal maneuvers and a steady comfort through the emotional struggle, this book is your destination if adopting your stepchild is in your future.

The book is divided into six sections, beginning with an overview of the adoption process. The author defines terms a stepparent needs to know, discusses the reasons for adoption, and offers advice for all family members involved. Section 2 delves into the issues and procedures of the legal wrangling, again giving full explanations to common questions and more definitions to guide laymen in the process. This section also explains the stepparent's rights and obligations to the children, parents' rights, and how to begin a petition. Interestingly, an adopted child will receive a new birth certificate with his adoptive parent's name as if he had been born to the parent.

Section 3 discusses grandparents and their rights to visitation, which, like adoption laws, very by state. The book gives examples. Section 4 explains the less common second parent adoption, a situation in which a partner in a same sex relationship petitions for adoption.

In Section 5, the book profiles stepparent adoption in each of the 50 states, including information on where to file the petition, the age at which children must consent to adoption, home study requirements and more. Section 6 is a helpful checklist to guide stepparents as they research adoption and consult with an attorney.

The author's clear language and easy to understand information makes this book the bible for adoptive stepparents. The book takes what can be a complicated, even frightening, experience, explains it fully, and becomes the resource stepparents and their spouses will return to time and again for guidance and inspiration.

Click Here to Purchase Print or E-Book from the Adoption Shop

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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