In This Issue:

STEPMOM, Speak Out!
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Books

Our first question,

I wish my stepkids' mom knew this about me

showed that stepmoms have an answer to this wish quickly. Their responses speak to a mom's insecurity or need to control and a stepmom's seemingly universal response to try to fit into her role without threatening mom's place. Some of these answers were poingantly short and to the heart of a stepmom's concerns:

"I don't want to become her kid's mom"

"That I love her children."

Sometimes, the stepmoms seem as if they'd like to give the moms a peek into their homes. Maybe then, their own relationship could improve.

"That I am not trying to replace her. I am, however, an adult and I do parent my stepdaughter when she is in my home. I am also trying to establish a relationship with my stepdaughter based on mutual respect and like (if not love) so that when she comes to our home, she feels welcomed and cherished by both her father and stepmother."

"I wish she would realize that she can communicate to and through me. She doesn’t need to play voice mail tag with my husband for three days, or call him out of the shower, or wake him up, just to personally tell him that his son should wear his green T-shirt to camp on Thursday. When I answer the phone, she can just tell me, and I’ll make sure the message gets through. I wish she realized that I love and care about her son also, even though I’ll never be his mom."

"How difficult things are at my house - how hard I try to do good things for her kids but they don't always accept and the short leash my husband keeps me on in terms of disciplining them. I would want her to compare this to her current situation with her new husband - how she lets him have too much latitude in discipline and how she lets him give the kids gifts and treats only to take them away when they do normal stupid kid stuff."

Sometimes, the stepmom doesn't want any relationship at all:

"I truly do not want her to know anything about me...anything she has learned about me, she twists around into a negative (somehow) and attempts to use it against me or my husband."

And when things have deteriorated that far, it's tough to find peace and happiness, but we keep trying. Stepmothering is about finding solutions, and our responders are willing to start small with answers to our second question:

If I could change one thing about my relationship with my stepkids' mom, it would be:

"That we would be able to have discussions about my stepdaughter."

"To be able to talk to her about my stepdaughter freely, to be able to pick up the phone and make changes in schedules, etc."

Seems so simple, doesn't it? But many stepmoms know how hard that is, to just communicate openly like adults. And now and then, we'd like to just get some things off our chests:

"I would like to be able to speak to her face to face about the stupid crap that she does in her life and to my three stepkids."

"How disrespectful she is toward me, despite my efforts."

Then other times, there might be little incentive to change anything:

"Nothing, she is a backstabbing person and will never take any responsibility for anything in her life, not even her kids."

All of us stepmoms would probably admit to quite a few surprises about our role. Nothing is as we expected, and the level of stress and despair can be stunning. Our stepmoms put their biggest revelations quite succinctly in responding to our next question:

I have found this most surprising about relating to my stepkids' mom:

"I never thought it was possible for someone to hear only what they wanted to hear when someone else spoke."

"Her deep unrelenting anger and hatred toward the kids' father and me."

"Her inability to learn from her mistakes, like not using birth control effectively, and her dependence on men to solve her problems."

Our final response may sum up this tricky and hard to navigate relationship best. Because of shared children, we have to co-exist with this other woman we might never even speak to otherwise. The learning curve is steep because we start from a disadvantage, with all kinds of preconceived notions and too much hurt and fear to trust freely. This stepmom's surprise may be ours:

"She is as intimidated by my presence in her life as much as I am by her presence in my life."

But intimidation can change into something else, given enough time and effort. The relationship between stepmom and mom may never be the thing of a movie we've all seen, but there's always hope, if not for the relationship, then for us, for our own peace and serenity. Let's aim for that.

We'll finish up our "Speak Out!" discussion next month. Until then, think about your answers to the questions and see where your hope lies.

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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