In This Issue:

1. Stepparenting With Style -- Your Style
2. Freebies
3. Books

*better understand the relationships in her stepfamily,
*know her rights and responsibilities as a stepparent,
*learn how to establish rules for her home,
*recognize her choices and set some stepfamily goals,
*learn more effective communication skills, and
*establish her style of stepparenting.

You can read the overview for more information, and here's an excerpt from our first lesson. Hope you enjoy!

From Lesson One: Understanding the Stepfamily Relationships

There's no one picture of a stepfamily. You may be dealing with a spiteful ex-wife, or you may be able to work with her well. You may have stepkids who believe they're Cinderella, or you may enjoy a love from them you could never have imagined. Or maybe your stepkids are grown and you're trying to deal with them as adults, or you're parenting children whose mom has died. Whatever the situation, the people your marriage brought into your life are a part of it now, and understanding these relationships is the beginning of making them better if they're good and tolerable if they're not.

Your Blooming Family Tree

Write a list of the people your life now includes. Just to see in front of you the expanded circle of your life will help you focus. Include former spouses, all children, and all extended family, even your stepkids' other stepparent, stepsiblings and grandparents. It's a big list, huh?! That's okay, it's manageable.

Now, beside each person's name, write a number to indicate how important he or she is to you. A 10 means the person is very important and a 1 means he's not that important. Rewrite your list with the most important people at the top. Now you know where your time and energy are best spent. The relationships with these people at the top of your list are the ones to focus on. By prioritizing the people in your life, you can prioritize your resources.

We all know that our emotional well can run dry when we're dealing with thirsty relationships, but what we don't remember sometimes is that we can choose which relationships to nourish. If your stepdaughter is more important to you than her mom, taking care of that relationship is more important. It sounds obvious, but we can overlook it easily enough. When we look at the challenges we face that way, we can more easily develop a plan for making the many decisions we have to make.

What's a problem?

A problem in a relationship is anything that impacts your feelings about and treatment of the other person. It may or may not have a solution, and you may or may not be able to change it. But you can always control your reactions to it and handle it with the style that fits you.

The problems in your steplife are facts or perceptions that you've allowed to stand between you and your happiness. I know that sounds like I'm blaming everything on you, but I'm not - I just want you to realize that your approach is more important, not your problems. Now let's identify the troubles in your stepfamily relationships and see how you can respond to them more effectively.

Does your stepchild lie to you or your spouse? Does he manipulate his dad or report private information about your family to his mom? Does he refuse to respect your authority or resist your attempts to bond with him? All of these choices he makes create problems in your relationship with him. Can you solve these problems? Certainly not by yourself. Can you change your approach to one that might work better? Definitely. That's your contribution.

What do you want?

Knowing what you want to accomplish will help you choose a style that works and feels comfortable for you. As we discussed earlier, a style of too much yelling or sarcasm may not be getting you the results you desire. To be the right style for you, your actions and reactions must be effective. That's the true test.

Think in terms of results, definite results you can measure. For example, perhaps you want honesty from your stepchildren - you can count the times they tell the truth. Perhaps you want civility from their mom - you can gauge her tone of voice and comments. Or maybe you want more interaction as a family - you can plan and carry out specific events to deepen your relationships. Knowing what you want will help you develop a plan to get there, and knowing how you'll approach your plan is all in the style.

The options

So what do you think will be the best way to be true to who you are and make an impact on your problems at the same time? Remember, you're looking for results, real improvements that you can facilitate. No, you can't change others and you can't make someone else do something, but you can do your part with a clear and well-defined style that gives you strength, courage and concrete options when you're faced with a problem.

Here are a few general styles that might help you with your steplife relationship troubles. Mix and match and add your own elements until you find something that'll work for you.

1. Just the facts. When information is your goal (and in the need for honesty, lack of sarcasm, or developing some basic rules), this is a style that gets to the heart of a problem with facts and proof to back them up. You respond in this manner and expect it from those around you. That means sticking to the basics and communicating clearly about the fundamental issues that need addressing in your home. This style will help you avoid the always-tiresome "jumping to conclusions" style that keeps your relationship waters muddied and hard to navigate. It's an especially good style for beginning stepparents.

2. Wait and see. If you've tended to overact or automatically imagine the worst is just around the corner, this style will help you correct that response. It's easy to fall into the overacting habit in a stepfamily, especially if you're dealing with dramatic people who tend to overact themselves. But it doesn't help you solve any problems, and it doesn't give you the sense of calm and confidence you need. If you can pause, wait and see what happens, and give things (and people) time to make sense, you can avoid the "sky is falling" style that wastes your time and energy before you even know where those efforts should be headed.

3. The medic. Like after a car accident or other emergency, this style helps you focus on the important things going on with the people around you. When you start with "is everyone okay?" then you can maintain your focus on what really matters while you work toward what you want. Keeping your priorities straight will help you remain calm and creative when the relationship problems hit. That means remembering what's good when you have to deal with the bad and focusing on the major issues before you confront the minor ones. And you avoid the "everything's a crisis" style that assigns no value to anything because everything is equal.

The result

When you take what you need from these example styles, when you add your own qualities that your unique steplife relationships require, and when you remember to remain true to who you are, you find yourself with a new outlook. You believe that you can manage your life now filled with lots of people and challenges because you are approaching it with courage, confidence and capabilities that are yours alone.

Choose how you will manage your steplife, and then communicate that to everyone around you, with honesty, compassion and poise. There are many, many opportunities to share your style with your family members.

Tip for Today

* Remember that all relationships change over time. Write down your "best case scenario" for all your stepfamily relationships. What parts of those scenarios can you control? How will you start today?

See more about the rest of Lesson One and the remaining lessons here:

Lesson One: Understanding the Stepfamily Relationships

Lesson Two: The Stepparent's Rights and Responsibilties

Lesson Three: Rules and Boundaries in the Stepparent's Home

Lesson Four: Goals for a Happy Steplife

Another happy stepmom story to share:

I'm still in shock.
On April 22, 2004 after work I was sitting with my stepdaughter (a sixth grader) while she did some math. Suddenly she looked up at me and said, "There should be a StepMother's and a StepFather's Day." I said that I didn't know if there was one and that there is a Grandparent's Day in September. She went on to finish her math.
About an hour later, I went in my room for a moment. When I came out she met me in the hallway and exclaimed: "Happy StepMother's Day! These are for you!" She handed me a pair of unicorn earrings as a "StepMother's Day" gift. She said the earrings used to be hers and that she wanted me to have them. In the three years I've known her, she hasn't worn earrings (but her ears were pierced at some point when she was younger).
Wow.
Later, she sat on the couch next to me and asked to see my pregnant belly. She put her hand on and was immediately greeted with lots of movement. She talked to the baby in womb for a moment as well." ~~ RL

The Stepparenting Journey is published the 10th of each month. If you've received this issue as a gift, you can subscribe with a blank email here and receive free The Stepparent's Guide to Wise Choices. And please, share our newsletter with your friends!

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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