While very often our steplives are filled with tough problems, we still have control over what we think and how we react. Just as we are what we eat, we are also what we think. And we can easily become what we’re around, even if it’s negative and destructive. Then, nothing works.

Because we need as many positive and hopeful influences as we can get to help our families grow and succeed, we can start right where we are to eliminate the negative influences from our daily lives. Let’s look at a few that might crop up in all families.

Negative people. This one is a biggie. Think about the people around you. Do any of them often begin their sentences with “I can’t . . . “ or “I don’t like . . . “ or “I wouldn’t have . . . “? A constant focus on the negative in our worlds, even when the points are valid, can begin to frame our outlook. And negative people always spouting negative comments and having a sour disposition can influence our own thinking and behavior. Soon, everything becomes an impossibility. There’s no search for a solution because, by golly, things are just too far gone. Woe is me.

Negative criticism. Sounds redundant, I know, but it’s not. We have children to raise, and lots of different personalities need to co-exist in our homes, so we'll always find plenty to criticize. But perhaps we can think of what we need to do as “guiding” instead, always aimed at reducing the stress and creating a calmer life for everyone. And sometimes we can need a little “guiding” ourselves because none of us is perfect and we can all improve. The point is that we can give that guidance without a negative undertone if we try. Also, if we receive too much negative criticism from our family, that, too, will darken our world.

Negative thoughts. Often because of the negative people in our lives and the negative criticism we receive (and give), we begin to frame all of our thinking in a negative way. And that brings us back to becoming what we think. If we think we’ll fail, we will. If we think there’s no solution or compromise, there isn’t. If we think we’re always the victim, we are.

So, what do we do? How do we eliminate the negatives in our lives? We can’t banish all the negative people away (as much as we’d like), we can’t hide in a cocoon (even better idea), and we can’t control anyone else’s thoughts (our own are quite enough to handle, thank you). But we’re not powerless.

Recognize the problem. Maybe negativity isn’t a problem in your life. But if you fear it is, identify it. Monitor the negative comments you hear for a while, whether they come from others or yourself. Do the people around you look at their lives optimistically, or is doom and gloom the prevailing mentality? How about you? What’s the first thought or word from you when faced with a challenge?

Make a choice to change. If you do see lots of negativity in your life, it’s up to you to deal with it. You can modify your own behavior regardless of what others do. Start with your thinking and with what you say to yourself. Re-phase every negative thought into one couched in hope and possibility. "I can't do this anymore" becomes "I will improve this situation and keep working at it until things are better." It takes practice and won’t happen overnight, but it begins with you.

Be specific. If you want to eliminate the negative atmosphere around you, you may have to point out your choice to those less enlightened :-) If your stepkids’ mom complains to you or criticizes you, explain that you’re looking at the situation as a chance to grow and that all the griping in the world won’t help. If she needs to rant, she should take it up with somebody who’s interested. If your stepchild has a bad attitude about his schoolwork or refuses to try new things for fear of failure, help him see that we all fail but there is still hope and much is learned in the “not quite succeeding” part of life. If your husband has given up on improving his relationship with his kids or still feels bitter about what he lost in his divorce, steer conversations away from the past and toward the future. What’s done is done and can’t be changed, no matter how much we whine and moan about it. Taking positive steps, though, can change what’s to come, and that’s where our focus should be.

Hold your line. Again, shifting thought processes takes time, so you’ll have to stay committed to bringing more positive influences into your life, especially if you don’t get a lot of support from your family. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged down to the stinky, slimy, negative pit of unhappiness ever again. Talk to your family about your choice and your efforts, don’t tolerate negative comments to you or in your presence, speak in a positive way to those around you, and live your life with an overcomer’s passion. The best is yet to be.

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'Til next month . . . .

Warmly,
Karon
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